Tuesday, November 1, 2011


And there's nothing I can do about it.
Just try winding me up.

I've tried for several days to write this post. It just wasn't happening. I'm not even sure that I'll get through it tonight. I can't find the words and I can't find the energy. It's just one of those times when life comes at you.

And slams you into the ground.

I still didn't get through the post. It's been a couple of days since I've looked at it. Why? Well, let me start off with the death of my brother. I did know it was coming but I still wasn't prepared for it. I got the call at four in the morning and ran down to the hospital. He was already gone when I got there but I still wish I hadn't gone in the emergency room. I think we should all remember our loved ones in a "happier times" light. Now, when I think of him, I'll see the shell that was in the room. He had lung cancer and his body had wasted away to about 80 pounds. He looked so small but I pray he's finally at peace. Goodness knows that peace eluded him in this life.

I have good memories but a lot of conflicting ones as well. He chose to live his life in a way that was less than stellar. Our lives were so different that it was impossible to remain close to him. Maybe that's why it is still so strange to think that he's actually gone. I wish I felt more and I know that one some level I do but it's difficult to bring it forth. No matter how we lived our lives he was still my big brother. I also know that he was in as much emotional pain as he was in physical pain. All I know is that I've hurt a lot since his death. I don't do well with death and I recognize that but my body has a reaction stemming from my inability to deal with the inevitable.

It's funny. I really don't fear death. I fear the changes it has brought to my life and I fear how I get there but I'm at peace with what happens after. Strange isn't it? 

Then there is the tooth fiasco. Another one decided to go on a rampage and it was off to the dentist. The shots of Novocaine were enough to make me bounce off the walls but the noise of the drill in my head put me over the edge. All of this happened last Friday and I'm not recovered from that either.

Oh, let me not forget the $800 it cost me to fix my car from the belts and power steering issues that it had.

Is it any wonder that I feel like I'm in "implode" mode? 

It's like a storm that is developing over the Atlantic.

One day it's a tropical depression.

The next it's a category four hurricane.