Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Ow, Ow, Ow.
A bed of roses sounds good right now.
Not what I got.

Ever since I got the epidural injections I've had a difficult time getting a handle on the pain. It not only didn't help the pain but it actually made the symptoms worse. For some reason the pain is just not going away.

Is it the injections or is it a doozy of a Fibromyalgia flare?
I wish I knew.

I'm trying to continue the movement. I know that it helps but, that too, has been a struggle. I go back to the pain management doctor tomorrow and I'm going to address the increase in pain. It's a delicate balance. I've been on the same level of pain medication for 5 years. I've never increased it because I knew that I'd never be out of pain. All I wanted was to take the edge off and bring the pain to a manageable level. Now, for the first time, I'm finding that what has always worked for me doesn't work anymore. 

I know the medication is monitored and very controlled. I'm a little hesitant to ask for a step up in dosage. I'm hesitant on a couple of levels. First, because of the very nature of the medication, I've never wanted to increase it. Second, I'm afraid that the doctor will refuse my request. It's a real complex situation and I'm not sure about it. I truly do need to get a handle on the pain but do I want to increase this medication? 

I don't know.
Maybe this is just temporary.

I'm hoping this is temporary but, this time, it isn't going away. This definitely comes under the heading of creative management. I'm doing the bath thing, aromatherapy, relaxation exercises and biofeedback. It falls under anything and everything that I can do to tolerate agony. It's amazing how intimate the relationship is between pain and depression. Chronic pain is depressing and there's no way around it. It changes your whole life and your outlook on life. It needs to be strictly monitored otherwise you can find yourself immersing yourself in the isolation and depression. 

It can happen in an instant. 

I have to say that it's a lot easier to be alone in the pain. It gets tiring answering all the questions. Even though it is well meant just hearing "do you need anything" or "can I do anything" all the time just seems to get to me. I know that its crazy to think that way but I can't help it. Maybe it's just my personality that likes to keep in control and those questions bring it home that I'm not. All I know is that I'm not in a healthy state right now. 

Does anyone else retreat in the face of pain?  It's a formidable opponent. You can't see how severe it is. It's very difficult to keep a happy face when the levels get up there. Because it isn't visible it's difficult for people to gauge and sometimes it affects how people view our fight. People cannot understand what's happening on the inside because they'll never see it on the outside. It is truly a constant struggle. 

There's time I think I'm winning and then times I think it is.

Did I just say "winning?"

Oh my...........I'm so not Charlie Sheen.

I really do want a bed of roses.............

I'm so much more Bon Jovi.