Friday, April 13, 2012


Am I more than this illness?
There are days I'm not sure.
This is one of them.

Who was I before chronic illness? I know there were definite parts of my personality that have disappeared. I try hard to separate the two because it has been so long that I'm not really sure how to do it anymore. 

So who am I?

I'm still a cynic. I don't think that part of me will ever go away and I wouldn't want it to. That part of me keeps fighting the doctors who want me to just slug down a few pills and go away. The cynic that hates the invisibility and yet embraces it. The cynic that questions every thing and every one. The cynic that continues to look at this mysterious illness and that knows something is missing. 

Well, funding and research is missing but then again, when won't a few hundreds help anything?

Talking about hundreds, I'm a great shopper. That part of me probably won't change either. There is something so comforting about shopping. I don't care whether it's a grocery store, vitamin store or Nordstroms. Well, let me take that back. I do care whether it's Nordstroms because aside from Costco that is my favorite store. I remember the shoe sales with such fondness. Their anniversary sale is my favorite time of year.

I really don't think you can have too many shoes.

Well, at least I didn't think that. I look in my closet and remember the good old days. Days when I could throw on real high heels and run in them. I look at shoes with high platforms and remember the 70's. Remember those shoes? History really does repeat itself. I look at jeans with tears in the knees and laugh. Just looking at some of the clothing is crazy. 

Let's go back to the cynic. My sense of "snark" would come out constantly but frustration still takes over. I didn't have a lot of patience with stupidity before..... let alone now. My own stupidity makes it even worse. I get very frustrated with the fog. I hate it that I have to reread almost everything to make sure I'm getting it right. Even then, I'm not sure that I am. 

I want to think of myself as the same healthy woman that ran around with 4 inch heels. I'm still a computer geek who rubs her hands when I've been too long on the computer. I'm still a photography, movie and music buff. I'm a reader that finds it's a little tough to remember what I've just read. Most of all, I've had a tough time accepting that this is chronic. There are days that I look in the mirror and "I get it" and there are days that I don't. I run hot and cold and I swing to both ends of the spectrum. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know who I am without Fibromyalgia. It sneaks into every part of my life. I don't try to let it but it does. 

Because the fatigue affects what I can or can't do for the day it has pushed its way in to my hobbies and career. Because the pain is ever-present on some level every day it has pushed its way in to the things that I love to do. For example, I found that Fibromyalgia had pushed its way into holiday cooking. I have paid for the desire to push past the pain and cook a holiday dinner. 

No matter what I say or do the pain and fatigue are the twins that want to accompany me in everything that I love to do or be. 

I can ignore them but like a two year old, the twins tug at my sleeves to let me know that they want attention.....AND THEY WANT IT NOW.

I just especially love it when the twins throw a doozy of a temper tantrum and refuse to stop until I give in and let them have their way.

So I'm still "me" with everything that I love to do with a healthy dose of Fibro thrown in for good measure.

Snarky, impatient, little old me.

**I forgot to add that this will be part of the blog carnival. Diana Lee at Somebody Heal Me graciously hosted this. Please stop by her blog and like her page on Facebook.