UNDERMINED AND DEFINED

It's who I am.

What I did.

What I got.

How I deal.

Huh???

I know that I shouldn't be defined by an illness or a circumstance but I'm still struggling with that concept. I am definitely not the same as I was seven years ago.  Pain doesn't turn off and leave you alone at designated times. It's much more devious than that. I was not a stranger to pain but it would only show up once or twice a year if I pulled out my back. After a car accident in 2008 I became intimately involved with my new friend, "PAIN" and it is a relationship that has stayed with me and will probably always stay with me until I leave this earth. 

I struggle with the concept of Fibromyalgia. Sometimes there is nothing more that I'd like to do and put the covers over my head and give in. I'd throw myself the biggest pity party ever seen. Then I come back to my senses and shove it in the background and push past the pain. 

But that usually doesn't end up well either.
But that's another thing that I do.
I push and I pay.
But I hate being fearful of my body and I hate being betrayed by my body.

Well, lets get back to pain. Pain is truly a four letter word and I don't mean that in just the literal sense (although it's that too). It permeates your being and consumes your daily life. Just when you think you've gotten used to one level it spikes and hits you with something else or it will just jab you so you know that it will not go away gracefully. Pain sucks. I don't care whether it's physical, emotional or spiritual pain. Pain of any kind robs you of your life. It robs you of true joy. It's a nasty little reminder that your happiness can be taken away in one fell swoop. You have a good day and start to relax?? 

Wrong.

I struggle with the loss of brain cells and I struggle when I read the back of a cereal box and find that challenges my intellect. I used to pride myself on my memory.....not anymore.

I struggle with the fact that I won't be selling new homes again. I loved selling new homes. There was nothing quite like being, what I called, the mayor of my own little city. I've lost the ability to function in the workplace. The medications are a liability as well. I know I say I want my life back all the time because I'm struggling with it. I do want my life back and it's not something that can happen just because I wish it. I still haven't fully accepted what I am after this car accident. The pain, the Fibromyalgia; you spend your days feeling like you got hit with a baseball bat and see how perky you are. 

I'm not dealing with this well, am I? 
It's the notion that life isn't always fair. 
I've always hated injustice and applying it to myself isn't easy. 

So, how do you deal with an invisible disease that wants to rob you of your life? 
You take one day at a time.

I try to remember that it could always be worse. I'm not saying that's an easy thing to do when pain has wrapped itself around you and refuses to respond to any medication or modification. At the worst times I have to concentrate on something better because it has the power to feel endless. I find that blogging has saved me. Writing down my feelings about this wretched thing called Fibromyalgia helps me get rid of the negative feelings. I've also learned that isolation is probably the worst thing we can do to ourselves. 

I know that we have to become more tolerant.

Of our bodies and ourselves.

I know we don't like it but we must admit our weakness.

Only then can we begin to become strong.