Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Pick a point,
Any point.
It seems my back is now
 the issue du jour.

Let me run down the list.  In May and June it was my teeth setting off all kinds of flares. Then the heat and humidity started in. Now, my back is hurting. Is there ever a time when something doesn't hurt? It's my lower back in the L4-5 region. I bent over to pick up a towel and that was it. That's all it took and when I tried to straighten up I found out that it would be a little painful putting my tray table in the upright position. 

Right now I feel so confined not only because of the pain issues but because it is just too fricking hot to do anything. I've also been very tired; more so than usual. Today, for instance, I slept until 11 o'clock and that isn't like me. I just can't seem to get moving. I start yawning after being awake for only an hour. Is it heat causing this or am I just having a day where my body is trying to catch up on some of the sleep I've been missing? So now I not only have the pain all over my body, I have some nice sharp jabs in my lower back.

I'm feeling a number of things. There is the pain in my back which has been an ongoing annoyance for quite some time. No, the pain I'm feeling right now is the pain of knowing that I won't be going back to work. You would think that would be the time I'd be shouting Hallelujah and jumping for joy. 

Actually, it makes me angry. 

I got disability from Social Security and while I'm extremely grateful I'm also feeling very depressed. Its as if the experience of the last two years came tumbling down on me. I realized that I won't know the feeling of being on site again and that makes me sad. I loved new home sales. With all the garbage and the crap that you have to deal with and as bad as the market is right now, I loved it. Now, with the realization of what disability means, I know that I can't ever do it again. 

Suddenly the depression is turning to anger.

Some guy that can't keep his eyes on the road has taken away my livelihood. I know this will be a huge fight because trauma as a cause of Fibromyalgia is still controversial, however, more and more research shows that it is a cause. So now that I won't be able to do what I loved, I'll also have to deal with the fight that comes along with this mess. I've also got tests that show moderate to severe problems in my legs and that was definitely not the case before the accident. Again, everything will be a fight. 

I need to prepare for it. I need to keep my strength to be able to fight. I need to stay in the moment and not give up. There are so many issues that will occur now for the rest of my life and I need to remember that. I need to remember how much this has altered my plans and goals. I need to remember that I'm not the same physically as I used to be and I have been touched by an illness with flares that will occur without notice or cause. I need to remember all of this because one of the markers of Fibromyalgia is the blasted fog that makes me forget my own name at times. I need to remember that the muscle spasms that cause me to curl up in pain was not how I normally fell asleep. And speaking of sleep..........................

I need to remember that my life's goals was not to stay in bed and watch movies. My goals did not revolve around the idea of pain and fatigue and they certainly did not involve losing financially. I thought I'd be working and traveling and having a wonderful time. I didn't have limitations and I was excited about the life to come. 

I need to stay angry. 
I'm afraid if I don't I'll forget what this has done to me. 
I can't let that happen.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Rose,
    What a great post! So honest. You know, as I was reading it, I realized this is why I cried during the video yesterday. I'd found a business card from when I had my business planting butterfly gardens. It was so pretty designed by a graphic artist when that was still a young field. Anyway, I think seeing the card made me remember what I had, and what I lost, and the feeling of never having it again is sad. I understand too about needing to stay angry. I guess in my case, I needed to stay sad for a long time, and later came the anger.
    I'm glad you got Social Security benefits. Also, your post reminds of Leslie, at IconDoIt. She has written about her own fight, particularly in the legal system. Maybe you've read those posts.
    And about those spasms! I've had one for three solid days and nights and it hurts like crazy. I can't take muscle relaxers so I've had pain meds but those things hurt about as bad as anything. Sigh...
    Today I get to take my dog to the vet, hoping she is okay as she has blood in her stool, and then go to the hand therapist. I'm sick of driving to the hand therapist!
    Boy, I sure have a good attitude today don't I?


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