Thursday, January 13, 2011
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.
Who's the fairest of them all?
I look in the mirror and wonder, "who's that starring back? " It's not the fact that I have a few lines around my eyes. I've never minded those, I figured that I've earned them. I'm also not the type to get Botox. I don't mind the lines on my forehead either. Actually, I don't have wrinkles. I can chalk that up to genes and Retin-A. I've used Retin-A since I was in my 20's and since I don't have wrinkles, it must work.
It's not cosmetic that keeps me looking in the mirror. It's the look in my eyes that shouts, "this woman is in a lot of pain." It's the eyes that don't crinkle at the ends when you're happy. It's the smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes. It's called personality lipo because Fibromyalgia sucks all the personality out of you. You go through life on personality flat line and it really sucks. BORING!
It's a look that I don't like.
I know there are times that I could earn an Academy award for the portrayal of a woman who is on top of the world and free of pain. Only people that know me very, very well can read the pain behind my eyes. Maybe that's part of it. I don't like feeling weak and knowing that my loved ones can see how much pain I'm in, well, it makes me feel vulnerable and out of control.
It seems that it's been a very long time since I've been out of pain. I can't really remember what it's like to take a deep breath and feel the freedom of life without pain. I mean, I can remember the last day. It was in January of 2008.
The infamous car accident.
I am still living in the aftermath.
I haven't been to the gym to walk this week. The pain has been spiking and the pain medication isn't taking the edge off so I decided to take it easy this week. I know I need the exercise but to chug a couple of pain pills sounds like it would kind of be counter-productive. I don't know what it's going to take for the pain to take a vacation. It seems like I haven't caught a break in that area in quite a while.
Just as an aside, I'm watching TV and the Lyrica commercial is on. You know, I REALLY hate that commercial. I just wish they'd get someone who really had Fibromyalgia for that commercial. Anyway....................
I thought these symptoms would be fluctuating not taking up residence on a continual basis. The only thing that is on ebb and flow is the anger. Obviously, today is an anger day. Because some clown can't drive without looking down at a cell phone and then crashes into my car, I have to have my whole existence turned upside down. I know, I know..........it could be worse. I understand that but right now the fact that I'm paying for his negligence irritates the crap out of me.
Forget it, I'm going to the bath and turn on a movie.
A couple of hours of swirling water should take the edge off.
Am I being a hope freak?