Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I have lived in a constant state of denial. It's where I feel the most comfortable. If you live there long enough you don't have to face the emotional state of your physical state. Does that make any sense? It could be the superwoman complex where you believe you can do all things, handle all things and leap tall buildings in a single bound. It could be the invincibility complex where you believe that your body must never turn on you. How dare it attack me?

In some respects; it's a good thing. That must mean that I'll never knuckle under to disease but it also places you in an almost paralytic state of indecision. When I feel like that truck not only hit me but backed up over and over again, do I get out of bed and fight it or stay there and let the fatigue wash over me and lull me into a state of unrefreshed sleep?

If it was just one thing going on......ok. I feel like the car was fine until the warranty expired and then everything starts to go out all at once. There's carpal tunnel, the back, the fibro.........I know in my head that it could be a lot worse. I've got friends who have had recurrences of cancer. They go through chemo, lose their hair and have side effects that make you so sick. They're sense of survival is so strong. They're in fight or flight mode and they're fighting. Maybe I just am feeling what everyone who doesn't have this feels. I look ok. I must not be that sick. After all, there are people with life threatening diseases out there.

I've been fortunate. I have not suffered the frustration of the endless parade of physicians that have no clue as to the cause of your pain and fatigue. I have been put with the right people at the right time. I've been pointed in the right direction because the people that I've been to recognize that my feelings are not normal FOR ME. They understand that when I say that I'm in pain and tired that I mean it. My concerns became their concerns. What wonderful people and I realize how lucky I am to have found them so early in this process.

For the people that go on this journey with us: be there. Don't try to talk me down from the ledge. Sometimes I'm going to go over. Sometimes I'm going to feel very sorry for myself. Sometimes I'm going to cry or be angry. Sometimes I'm going to feel that I did this to myself and sometimes I'm going to fight.

So for today, I must overcome my innate inertia and start to move. I have to take the covers from over my head and resolve to stand in an upright position.

Lucky me.

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