Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I've never liked that word.
I've never liked it whether it be for mental challenges, food or speed limits.

You notice that physical challenges was not on that list. You'd probably never find it on any of my lists. I have to-do lists, shopping lists, what I want in a partner list, DVD lists, inventory lists and any other kind of list that you can think of but exercise or pushing beyond physical limits is just not there. I don't like it.

That's not to say that I used to have an ability to close my eyes and be able to talk my way out of pain. I started it when I'd get tickled by my brothers and in order to make them stop I'd have to act like it didn't affect me. I got the trick down pretty well and soon in morphed into a master over pain. It really worked for quite a while.

Obsessive-compulsive-immediate-gratification people should not be in car accidents or have anything go wrong with their physical body. They have enough wrong with their mindsets that physical impairment just serves to put them into a tailspin. It seems I've been a human target. I must have a bulls-eye on me somewhere that jumps out about every ten years and screams "hit me." Then someone will run a red light or plow into me when I'm at a dead stop. Thus began my introduction to my new friend: PAIN.

For awhile pain would only show up once a year or so just after I would do something very stupid, like bending over to brush my teeth or moving every piece of furniture in my house. Stupid and then welcome pain. I could live with that. Then pain decided it was going to morph into fatigue and hide for awhile just coming out long enough to let me know it was still there and then hide so I could function in the real world. Then came the onset of life changing events and a lovely little accident and I found out that pain wasn't hiding in fatigue it was hiding in stress. Only it wasn't hiding anymore.

Divorce and learning to function in a job world where you've never been involved. I went from leading a very privileged and very fun life to the realities of the real world. Career changes, job changes, relationship changes, financial changes and situation changes became a part of my life. I couldn't wave a magic wand and have it all go away. With every change, and the stress that goes with it, pain would surface and stay long after the change transitioned.

It has been playing hide and seek for years and it's taken it's toll. I must find a way to deal with my limitations that my body is placing on me rather than curling up in bed and ending up like Charlies grandparents in Willy Wonka. I mean, I rather like it. There's something to be said for everything in bed. Rather convenient to my way of thinking. However, I digress. This world and all it's pleasures are not best seen on the sidelines or seen vicariously through the television. Life is to be lived and savored and enjoyed and to allow pain to win is to live in a vacuum and I won't allow that.

I need to find a balance in my life so that limitation doesn't sound like a death knell. Limitation to an immediate gratification and control freak sounds ominous. I have to find a way to adjust my thinking so that life isn't pain or no pain; deal or no deal. Let's face it. There are people out there with a lot worse things going on in their life than fibromyalgia. I need to be able to count my blessings. It could truly be a lot worse. Pain tends to cloud your thinking so that you're immersed it all it's glory. It wants you to forget that your family, friends, loved ones, jobs, opportunities are all out there for the taking. It wants you to live in it's world and isolate you from everyone and everything else. It wants you to think that this is all there is. It's easy to go there.

For now, all I can do is try to find out what are my limitations and how best to deal with them. It will be a progression from the world of pain into the world of the living. 

One baby step at a time. 

One day at a time 

and sometimes one minute at a time.


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