Saturday, October 17, 2009


It's beautiful outdoors.

A slight breeze and slight warmth. Just enough to stand outside and feel the heat seep into your bones. What I wish is that my hands would stop hurting. I need to NOT stress out over stupid things.
I looked down at them and see hands that for the first time in 30 years have short nails. I talk with my hands so seeing short, stubby nails doesn't do my disposition any good. I want so badly to go back and have nice looking hands again but I can't. To sit that long and have the process done would be excruciating and I don't have the tolerance for it. I wish for it and I want it but I just can't do it.

Why does this pain settle in my hands and feet? There is pain everywhere but I'm forever rubbing my hands. I run my hands under hot water to get some relief. I know that thyroid problems can make your extremities run hot and cold but is this a marker for Fibromyalgia also? The trigger points are a major problem because any pressure put on them at all hurts like hell. The last massage therapist said that was the only way to work out the knots that are present all over my back. Like hell it is. If she wasn't going to do a very light massage I would have left. As it was she got a little pissy because of my attitude.

Let's look at that. I live my life in constant pain. Portions of my body hurt more than others, especially the trigger points and she is telling me she has to work them out? This has to be done gently with lots of heat otherwise it will just be a scream fest.

I've done some things though. I have a visual that is my zen place. It's a 50's woman with a big smile on her face and a perfect flip to her hair. She has her head cocked to one side and the caption reads, "life is so much better now that I've realized that I just don't give a f**k." This is the visual I try to summon at will so I don't go off the deep end thinking about my health or my life for that matter. I know it could be a lot worse. I know that with my head and my heart but on a moment to moment basis it's hard to keep that in mind.

I have been called an over-reactor. Really? YA THINK??? Of course I am and so is my daughter. I only hope that once she has children this characteristic will lessen with each generation. Unfortunately, that is a pipe dream. I stress out and come unglued over the dumbest crap. Why is that? In the whole grand scheme of things does it really make a difference? I like the 10 rule. In 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days or 10 years will this make a difference? I can only call on this AFTER I've settled down. I can calm down and become type B. There's just a few parameters to this and it usually involves water.

I would like to sit outside and watch the sky. I would like to sit on a warm sandy beach and listen to the waves come into the shore. I say I would like to do these things and you might think I'm a solitary soul but, in truth, I'm not. I would like to do this with my favorite people beside me.

We can't forget the dogs.

I want to really learn what they try to teach us.

When loved ones come through the door, run to greet them with all you have. They're your pack and they give you all you need. Run, play and work hard then rest. Sleep in the contented knowledge that you have all you need.

( also, take a once over at the food in the garbage...........)

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