I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT, HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT

It hurts when I am in pain.

It hurts even more when I witness the pain of my friends.

Physical.

Emotional.

Spiritual.

Pain is pain.

And I wish that I could wish it away.

It's beginning to look like we actually might get some rain. The humidity is rising and my hands are beginning to throb. Yep, it's just another night in paradise. I've been using the new pain cream that I bought and I think it really does help the pain in my legs a little bit. So, as I sit here knowing it's going to be a long night, I read some emails from friends. Emails that expressed concern, emails that revealed dejection and depression and emails that told me about pain.

I've always said pain is pain. It doesn't matter how we think about it. All that matters is how the person who is in pain feels about it.

From the moment we open our eyes to the moment we close them we're engaged in battle.  The women I know who battle pain day in and day out are amazingly strong. We all think we're wimps but nothing is farther from the truth. We battle depression that springs from pain. We battle constant pain that ranges from throbbing to gut wrenching. We battle ourselves because we constantly think that we're inadequate. 

I think most of us deal with the issue of perfection and the fact that we'll never reach it. We are learning that it's okay to be human. Instead of looking at it as failure we are learning to accept ourselves. Instead of having a rigid view of life, we are learning to be flexible. Part of it is that we have kept a part of ourselves private. Privacy was something I valued above all else. Blogging, however, changed all of that. I learned about myself and I learned that there are people that I've never met who accept me for myself more than my own family. I have opened up more on this blog than I ever thought I would and I found out that others did the same thing.

I found out that this invisible illness has made us visible.

We decided that we wanted to be educated and educate others about this mysterious illness that plagues us. We became seekers. We've waded through the swamps to find out the truth. We found out that what works for some may not work for us. We're learning that we must discard the negative feelings that come from the supposed well-wishers who dispense unwanted medical advice. Advice that basically says we've done this to ourselves and if we want to get better we must get up and move around. We have become our own doctors because we found out that we know more about us than they do.

We are the people of duality. We are stoic and we are tender. We are strong and yet we are weak. We are the wimps and the warriors. We are the brave and yet we're cowards. We stand tall and unafraid but yet we fear. We are rigid but yet we are flexible. We are reserved and private but yet so open and vulnerable. It's no wonder that we're confused. There are times that we don't know which way to go.

So tonight is going to be a very long night. I've taken pain medication and the muscle spasms are still breaking through. The pain is reaching levels that will keep me awake most of the night.  I know that I'm not the only one who goes through this. We all have times like this and I think about the people that I've been blessed to meet through this blog. When you have nights or times like the one I'm having tonight be comforted in knowing that you're not alone. That thought has gotten me through some very tough times.

So to you my friends:

I wish you freedom from pain.

I wish you sound sleep.

I wish you comfort.

I wish you strength.

But most of all, I wish all your wishes come true.

I