DENIAL AND ACCEPTANCE

It is said,
that the truth will set you free.
That may be true,
but in my case,
 it will first make me miserable.

There are five stages of grief and it seems that I am on this never-ending cycle. I never quite reach the last stage of acceptance. I'm great at denial, super at anger and bargaining and then, when I hit depression, I start the process all over again. Intellectually, I know the truth about my body but I can't take it to heart. 

It took me a long time to get out of the denial stage. I have never wanted to believe that I'm disabled by this disease. To believe that I'm disabled conjures up an image of a woman bent, gnarled and ravaged by this unreal turn of events. In my heart I know that isn't true but I can't seem to shake the image I have of her. Also, I truly believe that if I deny Fibromyalgia, I can somehow escape the icy clutches of pain. No, it hasn't worked but I'm caught in the loop of these stages and it always starts in denial.

When I woke up this morning and put my feet on the floor, I knew it wasn't going to be a real good day. Plus, not only did I have the pain in my feet but I felt like I'd been run over by a truck. Where did this overpowering fatigue come from? I feel like every last bit of energy has been drained out of me. I do get tired very easily but this is a different kind of fatigue. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm even afraid to drive because it's that bad. 

So what did I do?

I spent the day in bed and slept off an on.

When will I stop bargaining with God and stop getting angry? I am just so sick of being sick and tired. I hate feeling like I need to vent instead of being positive. Have you ever had days where you just don't feel like being positive? Well, this is mine. I'm tired of my hands and feet hurting so bad. I'd love to have a massage but my body aches. I started watching The Apprentice but I can't seem to follow it. How dumb is that? I can't even follow my own sentences today.........

Maybe part of the feelings that I have today are because I am so sleep deprived. I've been sleeping, on average a couple of hours and then waking. I don't get enough sleep and that, in itself, causes the pain to flare beyond belief. I would love to sleep for a full night like I used to....again, another pipe dream.

When will I get to the point of acceptance? I know I keep saying this but I just can't seem to get there. I want to and yet, I'm afraid to accept this. A part of me needs to keep fighting and the other part of me is so tired. One part is afraid I'll knuckle under to these God-awful symptoms that plague me and the other part just wants to let go. I'm so afraid of feeling defeated. What to do?

If the key to acceptance is willingness, I'm screwed.