SPRINGS AND MUSH

This is my brain.

The good thing about Fibromyalgia is that it doesn't kill you.

The bad thing about Fibromyalgia;

 it doesn't kill you.

I have to say it was a little tough after the blog carnival. Standing that close to the fire and stirring up thoughts that you try to keep at bay was uncomfortable. I had to shake off the mood and I wasn't doing a real good job of it. All these feelings were bubbling just underneath the surface. I figured I'd put on a real sappy movie and forget about it. It didn't work.

My brains felt like mush. 

I still can't seem to get it together. I feel like I'm a bubble off. Then to top it all off my muscles are ganging up on me and trying to stage a rebellion. Everything is jumping and twitching and driving me crazy! I've got one more hour and then it's more muscle relaxers.  Why aren't they listening tonight?

I'm a survivor. I always have been but there are times that I wish this disease would put me out of my misery. Tonight is one of those times. It feels like a spring is being wound up and tightened just until the point it is going to release. When it releases the tightening starts again immediately. A baseball bat beating the crap out of me would feel better than this does.

On top of it all the fog has rolled in with a vengeance. I couldn't seem to remember anything today. When I went for my morning walk I not only forgot my cell phone but I had to drive around the block twice to make sure I shut my garage door. Also,  I usually take a bottle of water that I've put in the freezer so I can drink it as it melts. This way the water stays very cold. I really hate room temperature water. So what did I do? I forgot to put a bottle in the freezer last night. I was stuck taking a bottle of water with me that was warm by the time I got done with my walk. Yuck! 

I also can't seem to keep my thought processes moving. They start, then stop and then I can't remember what I wanted to say or what I was evening talking about for that matter.  All in all, it has been a very frustrating day. Can you even imagine how I'd remember everything that has happened in this last year and a half if I hadn't been blogging? I can't remember what I did ten minutes ago let alone eighteen months ago. 


I must be starting one hell of a flare. I've stopped typing four or five (I can't remember) times tonight because my hands are aching. I think I'm going to slug down another muscle relaxer and call it a night. I'm going to walk in the morning and if I don't try to sleep I'll never make it there. I really am committed to this for a couple of reasons.


1. I am waiting for this to help me with the pain.
2. I would like to look decent for my daughters wedding.


I'm tired of feeling like a big, fat lump. I need to lose 20 pounds. My (gasp!) 40 year high school reunion is in a month and I would like to lose a little of this extra weight. I know everyone has aged and probably put on a little weight,  but that doesn't matter. I want to look good! If I have to slug down a few pain pills to get into a pair of my gorgeous heels that have been collecting dust in my closet, so be it. I know I'll probably regret it but I'm going to do it. Plus, if I add a few inches on the height I'll look skinnier. I haven't worn them in so long I'll probably trip and look like a real loon. It should be a real interesting evening and will probably make a great story!


So I'm on a mission. 


That too could change by the morning.


I probably won't remember it.