BACK DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

Every time these flares hit, it gets harder and harder

to recover and bounce back.

This last one has been a doozy.

It starts out as a slight ache in my back. Then it moves to my hands and I notice that I have to rub them more than usual.  I started taking Neurontin this week after I told the doctor how difficult it is to put my feet on the ground in the morning. He looked at me and just said: 

"Nerve pain, you need to take Neurontin." 

"Can I take that with all the other medications that I currently take?"

"No problem, it will probably help you sleep."

Okay, I'm in if it will help me sleep. So far, everything that is supposed to help me sleep works only for a couple of days and then it's back to the same old routine. I fall asleep quickly and stay asleep for a couple of hours. Then I'm awake for a couple of hours. Then I fall asleep again. This goes on until around 5ish. Then I fall asleep until 8. I would just like one night where I sleep through the whole night. I know, I know, I'm a hope freak. What we would all give for a night where we don't have pain and can sleep through the night.

Even as I write this I have to stop because the pain in my hands is over the top tonight. My hands, feet and lower back hurt like hell. Now I've got this pain in my neck and it has a buzzing sound. Great. Just Great.  Just one more symptom that has popped up. I also still get a sound in my ears that sounds like static. Why does it seem like the black holes get deeper with each flare? Why does it seem like it's harder to climb out of them? I understand the depression because living every single, solitary day in pain sucks. They say every cloud has a silver lining. It's impossible for me to see that lovely silver lining. Just when I get close, a huge fog bank rolls in. How in the hell are you supposed to find the silver lining through that? 

Anyway, back to the Neurontin. I tolerate it well and I do fall asleep but with every passing day it works just a little bit less. The only thing I notice is that I feel a little drugged when I wake up in the morning. Gee, maybe I should just stay in bed!  I do get up, though, and go to the gym to walk. I continue to do this because everything I read says that it will help the pain. In my case, the only way it helps the pain is that it makes it worse. A lot worse.  I continue to walk hoping that one day it will help the pain like it's supposed to. I walk very slow and I don't overdo it, but my feet still hurt. I tried the gel insoles. Nope. That doesn't help either.  So, the walking that is supposed to help, makes the pain in my feet and the rest of my body worse. When will it help reduce the pain, can you tell me??  I've got wonderful gym clothes just for the occasion and the cutest little pedometer you've ever seen!  Just don't ask me how many steps I've taken because that would be really embarrassing! 

I know that "the group" has had a miserable summer. Everyone is either in one hell of a flare, just got out of one or just started one. Depression is running rampant because this fricking pain just doesn't stop! I know that this summer has been awful for me. What am I talking about? This whole year has been awful!  Is the rest of my life going to be like this?

I'm watching Titanic and it's almost over. That's how long it's taken me to get through this post. I've had to stop because it just hurts too much to write. Maybe I should have stopped earlier but I'm tired of not posting because of the pain. It hurts too much to write but it hurts too much not to write. I just hope this makes sense. I tried reading it back but I can't even follow my own words. 

I'm tired. 

Not sleepy tired but just thoroughly exhausted.

Bone tired.

Now I need to go check on a couple of people that I haven't heard from in awhile. 

We all keep tabs on each other because it's real easy to go into hiding. 

I've been there once or twice myself.

I can feel it.

I'm going back.

Back down the rabbit hole.

Did any of this make sense???