Saturday, October 16, 2010
It doesn't matter where.
It doesn't matter how.
It doesn't even matter when.
The beast is just always there.
The beast is chronic pain.
You would think that I would be able to sit and enjoy myself for even a couple of hours. That wouldn't be too much to ask, would it?
Of course it would.
I've been looking forward to seeing people I haven't seen in the longest time. Friends that were a big part of my life and others that made an impression on me; whether they knew it or not. It's wonderful to see how they're doing and what's gone on in their lives.
Then they ask me.
I absolutely hate divulging Fibromyalgia and what it's done. What was the prime of my career life was cut horribly short and I hate saying that I now do nothing. If I told people how much I stay in bed they'd probably cringe. Plus, I hate feeling sorry for myself and that happens every time I talk about this crappy illness. I don't know how to tell the story in a way that's pleasing to my ears.
The other thing I hate is that I had to take the pain medication to even get out the door. Then I walked around and spoke with friends and I found that physically taxing. So, I went back to the table and sat down. I was exhausted and I hadn't even started yet.
This beast is a part of my life. I wake up with him and end my day with him. He goes with me everywhere. He keeps me from doing things that would make my day productive. He loves to stop me either with pain or fatigue. He'll play games with me and he loves to make me stop and rub my hands; that's when he knows that he's got me. He loves to let me believe I've got myself under control and he loves to pull the rug out from under me. He loves to keep me afraid of my own body and afraid that even the slightest of moves will start the cycle all over again. He keeps me close because he likes it that way.
It's insidious the way chronic pain works its magic.
One day the beast will be content to stay in the corner. He'll stay home when I go out or want to have a nice time with friends. He'll stay in background and his pain and fatigue will not be the cornerstone of my life. I will be able to put something else in his place.
Maybe one day he'll move on and leave me completely.
Oh, I know not completely.
He'll check in every once in awhile just to let me know he's still around but he will be bored because I won't have much to do with him.