FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS

De-Nile isn't a river in Egypt.

It's where I live.

Right here in Las Vegas.

How do I face my fears? Well, especially when it comes to illness I like to stick my head in the sand. I like it better that way until I process it well enough to face it.  I've never liked to believe that illness can get the better of me. That was before chronic illness. You can do that with the flu or a cold but you can't do that with Fibromyalgia. Now I'm always afraid and I hate the fear and I hate myself for giving in to it. 

When it comes to the denial aspect of chronic illness, I've got that down pat. I don't want to accept certain things about it and other parts of it  I have to process.

After I've processed it, well, it's a whole different ballgame.

I think that people with chronic pain never truly face their fears with their illness. This is why it's called the invisible illness. We're not just invisible because people don't believe we're sick. We're invisible because we are afraid we'll get rejected. I'm invisible because I'm afraid I am not to be believed. I've been rejected by doctors and those closest to me. Why should the public be any different? 

It's so different with the blogging community. 

Why is that?

I would like to think that we recognize what we are most familiar with and accept it but that's not entirely true. We don't recognize it until we choose to reveal it. I have worked with a man for a number of years but it isn't until recently that his wife read my profile on Facebook and learned that I had Fibromyalgia. Her reaction to her husband was the same as mine. "Can you believe that she has Fibromyalgia?"

We tread very lightly until we're sure we are accepted. We tiptoe and peek around the corner of Fibromyalgia. This way we can beat a hasty retreat if we need to hide from the disbelief. Rejection hurts so we avoid it at all costs. Advance and retreat. Advance and retreat. That should be my motto. The problem is that I get irritated when the people around me aren't mind readers. Shouldn't they know that I'm sick? Shouldn't they realize how much pain I'm in today? 

No.

They won't know unless I tell them. 

I don't think I've really faced my fears. I feel like a warrior one day and a wimp the next. I've faced my pain because I've had to face it. If I could deny it away I would do so in the so-called New York minute. I am strong because I do face the pain and what comes with it on a daily basis but no matter how strong I am in the acceptance of chronic illness I am still afraid on the inside. How can I become visible when I reach out and have my hands slapped? Thank goodness for the people I've met through blogging. Without them my fears would be a whole lot more pronounced. They help me get through some terrible days.

I am strong.

I am weak.

I am still fearful.

I am chronic illness.