Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I don't understand.
It falls under the concept
that suffering builds character.
But I have enough character.
I would make a lousy Buddhist.
I know that everyone has different systems to help them cope with this mysterious disease called Fibromyalgia. The concept of the acceptance of suffering is a basic tenet of Buddhism. Suffering, and to be free from suffering, helps you achieve salvation. There is a cause and there is an end and there is a way to rectify it. The pursuit of pleasure only brings pain because it can never be achieved. It's like having an unquenchable thirst. Truly, there really isn't anything new under the sun. All religions revolve around the same basic concept. Even societal coping mechanisms, like the concept of the grief cycle and acceptance being the final step to moving on, operate the same way.
Healing begins with the acceptance of pain.
I have found out that I don't know how to be sick. I would have to say that I'm not a "religious" person. A lot of organized religion falls flat with me. I find that they spend more time on the outside than dealing with the inside. I would have to say that I'm more spiritual and I do know that my relationship with God is one of the most important things in my life.
Where I have trouble is dealing with the concept that we need to accept suffering. I have to say that I absolutely do not believe that. We may have to accept our circumstances, we may have to accept that pain will be a part of our lives, we may have to accept a lot of things.
I do not believe that we have to accept suffering.
Suffering is a whole other concept and mindset. Suffering keeps us down and more miserable than we already are in dealing with our everyday symptoms. We have enough trouble dealing with the fallout that chronic illness also brings.
Accept suffering? I don't think so.
I choose to accept pleasure. Not pleasure in how bad I feel but pleasure in life in general. I have a desire to one day be able to move in spite of my pain. I have pain and I don't revel in it or accept it. I hate it and will do anything to eradicate it. Whether it be through water therapy, medication or meditation. It makes no difference to me.
I think we have to have hope. Not hope that the suffering will help me achieve some sort of salvation but hope that one day there will be a cure for a debilitating disease. Suffering is a concept I have a hard time accepting. I do constantly long for this life to be other than it is and I refuse to give up hope that it will be better.
I can be in pain.
I can be in excruciating pain but I refuse to suffer.
I choose to believe that it will pass but I also know that I need to get ready for the next round until there is a cure. I cannot be caught unaware. I need to know my body and it's triggers and all of this is a learning experience.
I'll admit that sometimes I will try anything to relieve this pain. The last few months have been incredibly, how should I say, challenging. I can't believe how politically correct I am in even saying that word! They have been full of pain filled days and nights. I will use every method that I can to find relief. I don't find a sense of relief when I accept certain conditions or factors in this life. I understand that the mind can do many, many things. It can heal and it can hurt but telling me that a calm, peaceful existence will bring a sense of, shall I say, nirvana......well, for me, it just isn't happening. I can let go of, "the small stuff". I can even let go of, "the big stuff." I've let go of a lot of things. I've had to whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual or financial. Yes, I have had to let go of quite a bit. However:
I will never let go of the fight to get well.
I will never let go of hope that there will one day be a cure.
I will never let go of my "survivor" personality.
I will never calmly sit by and give in to my pain.
I will never let go.