Saturday, October 23, 2010
We are not bound by the flesh.
We are bound by the heart.
We are also bound by pain.
When my daughter was four we moved into a home by a park. My daughter didn't take well to the move. She kept saying that she wanted to go home. I knew the next few days were going to be rough. There was a ring at the door and when I answered it there was a little girl with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. She walked in like she owned the house and from that moment on she and my daughter were inseparable. She was opinionated. She was funny. She was tough on the outside to cover a marshmallow on the inside. She was to become my second daughter.
Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about a year ago.
I got a text yesterday apologizing for being a bad friend and talking about how this disease has broken her spirit. It's hard to fight off the depression that is a by-product of chronic pain. There are days that you feel like you just can't fight one more day. Then you wake up in the morning and start all over again. No matter how many times you do this, you still think that you won't be able to fight.
Boy, do I understand that one.
The last few days have been real rough. The humidity is up and the pain has been off the charts. I've just put the covers over my head and prayed that it goes away. Well, I've taken my pain medication as well. There is no way that I can be without it. Every key that I press, every move I make hurts. The medication doesn't take it away, it just takes the edge off. Even so, the nights in pain and the legs cramping and spasming screws with your head. It not only screws with it; it makes you feel defeated.
Then, I get a letter requesting my presence at a deposition. The car accident that started all of this is winding down. I guess they are finally ready to take my formal statement. Should I take a pair of 4 inch heels that I wore prior to the accident and that are now collecting dust in my closet? Should I take the bottles of supplements and medications that I now have to take? Or, maybe I should show up before I take my pain medication. That would be real good for the show.
I'm not fond of attorney's. Well, let me rephrase that. I'm not fond of stupid attorney's. Mine is very sharp and I respect that however, I've been in the company of some real lulu's. If the opposition has a dumb one I will have to try real hard to hold my tongue. I have a lot of anger that surfaces about this accident. My life would be very different right now if this guy had just been watching where he was going and looking at the road ahead of him. For one, I'd still be working and the financial havoc that this accident has brought would be non-existent. I hope that this deposition will get rid of some of the anger. I don't know if it will get rid of all of it. I still have a life that is forever changed. It's a life that is now filled with pain. So now I not only have my life to worry about, I have my other daughter's life. It's bad enough that I think about the next twenty-five plus years in pain but my little sweetheart has to think about the next fifty. I don't know how I could take that.
Apparently, she's not doing too well with it either.
How do you get to the point of acceptance?
I really struggle with this concept.
And, I'm not doing well with it.
Neither one of us are.