Chained.
Again.
Blue Rose.
Apropos.
I thought I'd be starting off the New Year in a better frame of mind and less pain. See, that's what happens when I think too much.
I don't know if it's the cold weather or the humidity but I'm just feeling like crapola. I'm either in bed or the bathtub. Now, I love my bath bombs but I'm going through them like there's no tomorrow. The only cool thing is that I found my portable DVD player that I got as a Christmas gift from KB Home years ago and now I can watch movies while I'm in the tub. Just add a diet coke (I know..I know....caffeine is bad) and I'm in heaven.
So what to do? Right now I'm in bitchy mode. I hate the fact that I have to take pain medication to function without pain getting the better of me. The kicker is that they only take the edge off the pain. I am really afraid to take enough to be completely out of pain. I honestly don't know how much it would take to do that. The way I feel, it would probably be enough to make me a zombie. I've upped the magnesium and calcium. Still taking the Vitamin D and B vitamins. I like the liquid because I think it gets into my system faster. Does it help? Who knows..........
I'm taking so many supplements that food sounds icky too. Now, you would think I'd be real happy about that. Well, I would be happy about it if it would result in weight loss but zippo on that fact too. That's the other thing. I can't lose one fricking pound! I have a real bad attitude toward food. If I eat, I gain weight. Even if I eat 1200 calories a day and walk at the gym; I don't lose weight.
See? I told you I was in bitch mode.
So..........
Let's try and make something positive out of this post.
What did I learn from 2010?
I learned how to look backward in time with objectivity. I cannot change the past but I can examine it, learn why and how and, hopefully, learn how to let go and move forward. I'm learning that the phrase, "that doesn't work for me," can help me say no gracefully and without guilt. I learned that it's very difficult for me to receive help from other people. I don't know how to receive without feeling weak and helpless. Those emotions are very difficult for me to deal with. I've always been in control and this illness makes me feel so very out of control.
I've learned that one simple act isn't actually simple. The domino effect from a simple car accident has caused my life to spiral out of control. I'm still dealing with the emotions of anger because of that. Because one person didn't look where they were going I've lost a great deal and I don't know when the bleeder from all of this will be tied off. I keep telling myself that it could have been worse, and I know it could have been physically worse, but for me it's cut me off at those proverbial knees. I did partially define myself by my career and I still struggle with the loss but I'm not sure how to re-define myself and I struggle with that too.
I've learned so much about chronic pain and illness. I've made so many friends through this process and I don't feel so cut off and isolated. The problem is that I still hate the telephone. It's difficult to hold and it's difficult for me to talk. Let me rephrase. It's not difficult to talk, it's difficult to answer. It's difficult to answer questions about how I feel or how I'm doing. It's that feeling of being out of control and feeling vulnerable. I know that's my weak point and I know those emotions aren't real comfortable for me.
So for 2011 I know that I need to work on releasing my anger about the accident and working on my control issues. I know that I'll be spending a lot of time in bed with the pain and I know that my daughter better by stock in Basin White so I can keep up my stock of bath bombs.
I actually do some of my best thinking in the tub.
If that's the case I may never get out of the bath.
Prune city hear I come.
I don't know if it's the cold weather or the humidity but I'm just feeling like crapola. I'm either in bed or the bathtub. Now, I love my bath bombs but I'm going through them like there's no tomorrow. The only cool thing is that I found my portable DVD player that I got as a Christmas gift from KB Home years ago and now I can watch movies while I'm in the tub. Just add a diet coke (I know..I know....caffeine is bad) and I'm in heaven.
So what to do? Right now I'm in bitchy mode. I hate the fact that I have to take pain medication to function without pain getting the better of me. The kicker is that they only take the edge off the pain. I am really afraid to take enough to be completely out of pain. I honestly don't know how much it would take to do that. The way I feel, it would probably be enough to make me a zombie. I've upped the magnesium and calcium. Still taking the Vitamin D and B vitamins. I like the liquid because I think it gets into my system faster. Does it help? Who knows..........
I'm taking so many supplements that food sounds icky too. Now, you would think I'd be real happy about that. Well, I would be happy about it if it would result in weight loss but zippo on that fact too. That's the other thing. I can't lose one fricking pound! I have a real bad attitude toward food. If I eat, I gain weight. Even if I eat 1200 calories a day and walk at the gym; I don't lose weight.
See? I told you I was in bitch mode.
So..........
Let's try and make something positive out of this post.
What did I learn from 2010?
I learned how to look backward in time with objectivity. I cannot change the past but I can examine it, learn why and how and, hopefully, learn how to let go and move forward. I'm learning that the phrase, "that doesn't work for me," can help me say no gracefully and without guilt. I learned that it's very difficult for me to receive help from other people. I don't know how to receive without feeling weak and helpless. Those emotions are very difficult for me to deal with. I've always been in control and this illness makes me feel so very out of control.
I've learned that one simple act isn't actually simple. The domino effect from a simple car accident has caused my life to spiral out of control. I'm still dealing with the emotions of anger because of that. Because one person didn't look where they were going I've lost a great deal and I don't know when the bleeder from all of this will be tied off. I keep telling myself that it could have been worse, and I know it could have been physically worse, but for me it's cut me off at those proverbial knees. I did partially define myself by my career and I still struggle with the loss but I'm not sure how to re-define myself and I struggle with that too.
I've learned so much about chronic pain and illness. I've made so many friends through this process and I don't feel so cut off and isolated. The problem is that I still hate the telephone. It's difficult to hold and it's difficult for me to talk. Let me rephrase. It's not difficult to talk, it's difficult to answer. It's difficult to answer questions about how I feel or how I'm doing. It's that feeling of being out of control and feeling vulnerable. I know that's my weak point and I know those emotions aren't real comfortable for me.
So for 2011 I know that I need to work on releasing my anger about the accident and working on my control issues. I know that I'll be spending a lot of time in bed with the pain and I know that my daughter better by stock in Basin White so I can keep up my stock of bath bombs.
I actually do some of my best thinking in the tub.
If that's the case I may never get out of the bath.
Prune city hear I come.
For me, the caffeine is not as bad as artificial sweeteners. They make my pain levels rise very noticeably. I avoid them and always check labels to make sure they are not present.
ReplyDeleteI've refused to give up my favorite vices, caffeine gives me a boost in the morning, and I love to have a pint of beer if I want it at night, it melts the pain away after a long day (or a glass of wine, everything in moderation, too much of anything is bad)...usually I have my beer while I'm soaking in a hot bath! (I take so many baths I fear one of these days my husband is going to look in on me and only find a shriveled pink raisin in the tub...)
ReplyDelete(I have to agree with excentric about the artificial sweeteners, they do make me feel crappier, luckily, I never acquired the taste for them.)
Treat yourself well! (Enjoy your bath!)
Laura
My FMS is from a car accident as well. I actually sued, and walked away with only $20,000. I had no idea what the future held for me in the form of FMS nor that the VA and the lawyer got to walk in and take most of it.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried Phenocane for your pain? I have now been on it, going on 2 years, and now I take 2-3 to control my pain. I rarely have 8-10 days anymore but if I am heading that way, I can up the Phenocane because it is natural. If you want to find out about it, you can email me at bygracenotmerit@gmail.com.
One other thought. I realized about 2 years ago that certain things I was doing really made the pain worse. Things I would have never guessed, like: carrying gallon jugs of milk, water, etc,; or carrying laundry in a basket,' fluffling out a comforter for more than a minute or two,' weight lifting and so on. Maybe you are doing something (this isn't a blame thing, okay) that for you triggers a flare of pain. I have found by not doing the above things, I avoid the severe FMS I used to get. Just a thought.
As for anger. I get that as well. I recently figured out that I am struggling with anger at a 'friend' who didn't take appropriate care of Dekker and he got bit which led to my having to put him down. I'm also really angry at myself because I knew she couldn't do it. So I am now working on forgiveness because anger hurts no one but me.
You can buy portable DVD players? Really? Can you stream from Netflix on them? I might have to get me one of those.
BTW, bath, drink, movies - I love that. Might incorporate it in my bath times. Right now I do wine or tea, book and bath and lots of herbal oils. But I really like your idea.
Real coke though. Don't do diet! :-)