Saturday, March 26, 2011


It never fails.
The weather acts up.
The triplets show up.
Did I say triplets?
What happened to the twins?

Lately I've been blessed with triplets. The twins were pain and fatigue but I've added another sister. 

This one is depression. 

It's been difficult to write about "me" lately. I've missed the feeling that I get when I write. That feeling that I've got something to say and the fun of finding the right words to say it. I've always believed that if you're going to write you should be able to push back the veil and be open to "being open."  The beauty of sharing yourself as well as healing yourself, however, there is only so much pain and fatigue that you can take before the other sister shows up. It's not fun trying to smile when you body is in pain. 

Then you stop trying to smile.

I feel like I'm existing until I have a day without pain and fatigue. Hell, I'll even take one of the two. Then when I have a day where I can function, I try to get the things done that I need to do. Or, I try to do things that are even a little bit of fun. 

Do I even remember that?

I'm just not having a good time lately. No matter what my circumstances or issue I've always been able to find humor in my life. Humor can keep you going in difficult times. I've always believed that laughter is truly the best medicine. I need to remember that because that particular medicine is a little tough to swallow right now. 

I sound like Mary Poppins. 

I could write a whole novel on my life with Mary Poppins. First, I can practically recite the movie. When my daughter was just a few weeks old the penguin scene caught her eye and from that moment on Mary Poppins was a staple in our home. It would calm and quiet her and I took full advantage of it. She would get fussy and I'd put on the movie and she'd be fine. We watched it until she was two and then she found Winnie the Pooh. Just as an FYI, I can recite that one also. 

But I digress.............again..............

Ever since the deposition I've been in a huge crash. I still have to review it but I can't get through it. I need to look for mistakes but it's difficult to read the irritatingly little print right now. The cognitive issues are rearing their ugly head as well. I know that stress has a lot to do with it but this time it hit me with a vengeance. I have tried meditation and visualization but I just can't seem to get there. Nothing seems to be working correctly and it's frustrating. I just need to find laughter and fun. 

I'm whining again and I know it. When I get tired of all the crapola that goes along with the pain then I know I'm about to turn it around. I need to stop whining about the pain and fatigue and pick myself back up. I think the problem was the deposition. It unleashed a lot of anger about the car accident. The opposing attorney will do anything to discredit me and the fact that his client was racing through an intersection without looking where he was going wasn't even addressed. 

One of these days I'll be able to let it go. 

One of these days I'll have to let it go.

I am just so tired of doing nothing.

I am tired of hurting.

I am tired of being tired.

And I am really tired of not having fun.