I GOTTA BE ME

I can't say that I wasn't warned.
I knew there would be questions.
I just didn't anticipate my reaction.

Well, that's not quite true. People that know me will tell you that I don't have a problem speaking my mind. I am not rude but I don't like having my words twisted or having an attorney leave a line of questioning hanging so that there would be a negative implication as a result of it.

It actually went pretty well. There were just a couple of points where I became a little passionate in my answer. I understand that they have a job to do but I also have a right to tell my story. After going through the three hours I came home and got into bed. I hurt and all I wanted to do was get into a comfortable position and pray the pain wouldn't get any worse. Fortunately for me, I fell asleep. 

I was up three hours later.

And that wasn't good.

It's no secret that I've had a tough time getting over my anger about the accident. My former partners will tell you that I wore heels in the sales office. I'd run around site in them, go up and down stairs in them. I would buy black heels in bulk and wear them on site and tramp around the dirt in them. Part of my anger is that I have a closet full of shoes that I can no longer wear. I never had pain wearing high heels. Part of the problem is that I loved to go shoe shopping for myself and my daughter. When my daughter lived in Florida I'd buy shoes and send them to her. We had SO much fun doing this. I'd take pictures and send them or we'd talk on the phone and look at the pictures online. I have fond memories of showing her Naughty Monkey shoes and then buying them for her. 

So what am I so angry about?

I am not angry that life sometimes throws you curve balls. That is the very nature of life. I'd sound awful if I looked at life like a spoiled brat. This is not about not being able to buy shoes when I feel like it. 

That's not it at all.

I think that my anger comes from the injustice of it all. It all comes down to doctors that don't believe you. It comes down to being found guilty without cause and fighting to prove your innocence. It comes from insurance companies looking at your doctors reports and virtually discarding them. It comes down to what is fair. It comes down to a pair of shoes because it is an example of what I could do before and what I cannot do now.

I've never minced words. I understand how many frivolous claims are out there but when there is credible evidence and it is tossed aside I tend to get a tad angry. When they make you feel like you're lying I tend to take exception. When they keep asking you if you're being honest and telling the truth AFTER taking an oath to do that very thing, I take exception. I've been accused of a lot of things in my life but being a liar isn't one of them.

What have I lost as a result? It could come down to simple numbers but that isn't it either. Not that it isn't an integral part of this but the loss is something so much more. It's a loss of me. Of how I defined myself and a loss of my sense of security. That, in itself, is a loss that is impossible to put a price upon.

There are arguments galore out there about pain. All I know is that before January 2008 I was a self-sufficient woman in control of her life. After January 2008 all of that changed.

AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

So here I am.

Waiting once again.

Wishing and hoping that someone will finally listen.