Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Have you just ever longed for a time when you felt you had a real handle on your life? Me too.

Where is the fine line that is forever blurred between feeling absolutely lazy and the laziness that depression absolutely brings? What is the difference between tenacity and stupidity and why can't I recognize the difference? Why do I long to control the wrong things and let the right things go? Where is the recognition of "this is very doable" and "I shouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole"? This is all very good except that I continually want to touch the things that I shouldn't with that less than ten foot pole. Let's try a 6" ruler. That's the story of my life.

My girlfriend and I were talking about issues we've had since childhood. One of the biggest ones was food. Notice we are talking about symptoms, not the causes here. I didn't join her in that self destructive pattern; however, I had my own going on at the time, food just wasn't one of them. She hid behind food and I just hid behind everything else. Our self esteem was permanently marred and we both wanted to be the other. It's funny how we think everyone else has it all together.

As I got older I started trying to see if I could be still and not constantly butt my head against the brick wall titled "things I cannot change." The Serenity Prayer" by Ronald Neibuhr comes to mind. I really tried to say that prayer but the other voice said the challenge was to see if the unchangeable could really be changed. Then with the onset of computers the infamous email came out instructing me to beat it into submission. This validated my puzzling behavior of trying to fight city hall.

Then let's get into relationships. I used to say "there's Mr. Right, there's Mr. Right, there's Mr. Right and I want the one in the back that's going to F*** up my life." There's the challenge of making the unchangeable change.

Now with chronic pain morphing itself into depression a clarity of thinking is emerging from the fog. Whether I do something about it is a different story but I'm at least thinking. I want to know what I should leave alone, I don't want to change the unchangeable and I want to walk away from my puzzling behaviors that puzzle even me.

I want to analyze my responses so I can get a good look of what precipitated the behavior and just hopefully not keep repeating my same mistakes. I want to deal with the pain instead of masking them.

Psychologists are forever trying to tell me how to analyze my behavior. Ok. So make a spreadsheet and give it four columns. Goody! This appeals to my never-ending compulsion to have things in order.

The first column label: What happened.
Describe the behavior.

The second column label: Why it happened.
What happened immediately before the behavior occurred.

The third column label: The consequences of my behavior.
This is easy. I'm big on consequences.

The fourth column label: Trigger event.
Is there something that sets off the first column.

If I can figure out what my trigger points are maybe I can see the dangerous areas and side-step them or minimize my behavior so I'm not constantly on self-destruct.

Now.........just to make that spreadsheet.........................................

As Ronald Neibuhr states, "God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change." Truer words were never spoken. Taking them to heart takes courage and perseverance.

One baby step at a time.


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