Friday, September 24, 2010

SPRINGS AND MUSH








This is my brain.
The good thing about Fibromyalgia is that it doesn't kill you.
The bad thing about Fibromyalgia;
 it doesn't kill you.


I have to say it was a little tough after the blog carnival. Standing that close to the fire and stirring up thoughts that you try to keep at bay was uncomfortable. I had to shake off the mood and I wasn't doing a real good job of it. All these feelings were bubbling just underneath the surface. I figured I'd put on a real sappy movie and forget about it. It didn't work.

My brains felt like mush. 

I still can't seem to get it together. I feel like I'm a bubble off. Then to top it all off my muscles are ganging up on me and trying to stage a rebellion. Everything is jumping and twitching and driving me crazy! I've got one more hour and then it's more muscle relaxers.  Why aren't they listening tonight?

I'm a survivor. I always have been but there are times that I wish this disease would put me out of my misery. Tonight is one of those times. It feels like a spring is being wound up and tightened just until the point it is going to release. When it releases the tightening starts again immediately. A baseball bat beating the crap out of me would feel better than this does.






On top of it all the fog has rolled in with a vengeance. I couldn't seem to remember anything today. When I went for my morning walk I not only forgot my cell phone but I had to drive around the block twice to make sure I shut my garage door. Also,  I usually take a bottle of water that I've put in the freezer so I can drink it as it melts. This way the water stays very cold. I really hate room temperature water. So what did I do? I forgot to put a bottle in the freezer last night. I was stuck taking a bottle of water with me that was warm by the time I got done with my walk. Yuck! 

I also can't seem to keep my thought processes moving. They start, then stop and then I can't remember what I wanted to say or what I was evening talking about for that matter.  All in all, it has been a very frustrating day. Can you even imagine how I'd remember everything that has happened in this last year and a half if I hadn't been blogging? I can't remember what I did ten minutes ago let alone eighteen months ago. 


I must be starting one hell of a flare. I've stopped typing four or five (I can't remember) times tonight because my hands are aching. I think I'm going to slug down another muscle relaxer and call it a night. I'm going to walk in the morning and if I don't try to sleep I'll never make it there. I really am committed to this for a couple of reasons.


1. I am waiting for this to help me with the pain.
2. I would like to look decent for my daughters wedding.


I'm tired of feeling like a big, fat lump. I need to lose 20 pounds. My (gasp!) 40 year high school reunion is in a month and I would like to lose a little of this extra weight. I know everyone has aged and probably put on a little weight,  but that doesn't matter. I want to look good! If I have to slug down a few pain pills to get into a pair of my gorgeous heels that have been collecting dust in my closet, so be it. I know I'll probably regret it but I'm going to do it. Plus, if I add a few inches on the height I'll look skinnier. I haven't worn them in so long I'll probably trip and look like a real loon. It should be a real interesting evening and will probably make a great story!


So I'm on a mission. 


That too could change by the morning.


I probably won't remember it.







10 comments:

  1. Iso sorry that you're having such a rough time right now. I understand what you mean about the memory thing - I keep a written log of what I do, but I wouldn't remember any of it without that. The last 2 years are a complete blur. Just keep taking one step at a time. You're in my prayers. Blessings.

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  2. I tried keeping a log but I'd forget where I put it! It does all become a blur doesn't it?

    Thanks for your prayers sweetie and you are in mine!

    Rose

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  3. I'm so sorry about your flare-up. I can relate to the fibro fog thing. I can't explain it to my family, they don't believe me! But it does happen and I forget things a lot more than I used to. It's very frustrating, all in all!

    I hope you feel better soon. Good luck with your weight loss. I wish I only had 20 pounds to lose. I have to lose 150 pounds. I went to a bariatric seminar and am thinking of going ahead with the surgery. I'm stuck where I can't walk because of my severe lumbar back discs and neuropathy and I eat a lot less than I used to, but I still stay the same weight. I need a jolt!
    I'm praying for ya!!
    Hugs,
    Missy

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  4. I'm so sorry that they don't believe you. That's so difficult to deal with! The weight loss is tough. I don't lose it even though I don't eat much and I'm walking. My thyroid is shot and I know it. I haven't gained as much as some with this disease because I didn't take Lyrica. That puts weight on and I have so many self esteem issues that I fought taking it. Believe me, it's a stuggle. Have you had your thyroid checked?

    Thanks for the prayers!!

    Rose

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  5. I'm so sorry that they don't believe you. That's so difficult to deal with! The weight loss is tough. I don't lose it even though I don't eat much and I'm walking. My thyroid is shot and I know it. I haven't gained as much as some with this disease because I didn't take Lyrica. That puts weight on and I have so many self esteem issues that I fought taking it. Believe me, it's a stuggle. Have you had your thyroid checked?

    Thanks for the prayers!!

    Rose

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  6. Weird that it put it on there twice.

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  7. OMG, it's like reading my own life in your post.

    I just spent an hour crying to my husband because the fibro can really get me down too. He tries, but he just does not get it.

    The memory is getting worse and I think I may have to up my meds as the pain from the light exercise I've been trying to do to lose weight is killing me.

    I am so sorry you feel this way. I am sending gentle hugs to you right now.
    Chris

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  8. Hey Chris!

    I know......even light exercise is a killer. I have to take pain meds before and after just to make it through. It's hard to relate to someone just how awful this is...

    Hugs back!

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  9. Hey Chris!

    I know......even light exercise is a killer. I have to take pain meds before and after just to make it through. It's hard to relate to someone just how awful this is...

    Hugs back!

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  10. Hi Rose, I can empathize..I have been doing fairly well the last few days but I know a flare up is always just around the corner.

    I need to lose abou 40 lbs..cant lose a dang thing and like everyone else I don't eat abnormally strange..it wont budge and thats due to thyroid and meds..I don't take Lyrica for that very reason..if it were worse it would make me even more depressed.

    Hang in there Rose..hugs
    Barb

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