Saturday, October 23, 2010


We are not bound by the flesh.
We are bound by the heart.
We are also bound by pain.

When my daughter was four we moved into a home by a park. My daughter didn't take well to the move. She kept saying that she wanted to go home. I knew the next few days were going to be rough. There was a ring at the door and when I answered it there was a little girl with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. She walked in like she owned the house and from that moment on she and my daughter were inseparable. She was opinionated. She was funny. She was tough on the outside to cover a marshmallow on the inside. She was to become my second daughter.

Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about a year ago. 

I got a text yesterday apologizing for being a bad friend and talking about how this disease has broken her spirit. It's hard to fight off the depression that is a by-product of chronic pain. There are days that you feel like you just can't fight one more day. Then you wake up in the morning and start all over again. No matter how many times you do this, you still think that you won't be able to fight. 

Boy, do I understand that one.

The last few days have been real rough. The humidity is up and the pain has been off the charts. I've just put the covers over my head and prayed that it goes away. Well, I've taken my pain medication as well. There is no way that I can be without it. Every key that I press, every move I make hurts. The medication doesn't take it away, it just takes the edge off. Even so, the nights in pain and the legs cramping and spasming screws with your head. It not only screws with it; it makes you feel defeated.

Then, I get a letter requesting my presence at a deposition. The car accident that started all of this is winding down. I guess they are finally ready to take my  formal statement. Should I take a pair of 4 inch heels that I wore prior to the accident and that are now collecting dust in my closet? Should I take the bottles of supplements and medications that I now have to take? Or, maybe I should show up before I take my pain medication. That would be real good for the show. 

I'm not fond of attorney's. Well, let me rephrase that. I'm not fond of stupid attorney's. Mine is very sharp and I respect that however, I've been in the company of some real lulu's. If the opposition has a dumb one I will have to try real hard to hold my tongue. I have a lot of anger that surfaces about this accident. My life would be very different right now if this guy had just been watching where he was going and looking at the road ahead of him.  For one, I'd still be working and the financial havoc that this accident has brought would be non-existent. I hope that this deposition will get rid of some of the anger.  I don't know if it will get rid of all of it.  I still have a life that is forever changed. It's a life that is now  filled with pain. So now I not only have my life to worry about, I have my other daughter's life. It's bad enough that I think about the next twenty-five plus years in pain but my little sweetheart has to think about the next fifty. I don't know how I could take that. 

Apparently, she's not doing too well with it either. 

How do you get to the point of acceptance? 

I really struggle with this concept.

And, I'm not doing well with it.

Neither one of us are.


  1. Hi Rose..oh I am so sad at your young friend's diagnosis..she must be really frightened..Hopefully in her lifetime a cure or treatment other than pain pills that reall dont' work will be found. I wake up everyday expecting I will feel good, then reality bites. I also have more pain when the weather changes and I am hurting tonight..It is what it is I guess..
    hang tight,

  2. Oh, sweetie, I SO understand how you feel. I've been fighting the pain for years and acceptance is STILL hard to come by.

    The best we can manage is to take it day by day (or moment by moment when things are really bad) and talk to the people who understand what it's like to live in constant pain.

    All of us have found things that help us, and although what helps me may not help you, if we keep looking, we do find ways to cope.

    I hope the deposition goes well, and you get what you need from this lawsuit. Things will never be the same as they were "before," but there will be good days, and it is possible to have a satisfying life "in spite of" the pain.

  3. Rosemary - I'm so sorry you are still having such a rough time. And your daughter...sigh. I would not wish this illness on my worst enemy [not that I have any :-)]

    As how one comes to acceptance, I don't think you ever come to a point where you accept the pain or the illness, I think you just find a way to get through it, moment by moment.

    I always remind myself on bad days that there are new mercies in the morning. Somehow it helps me to focus on the next day and not so much on the moment.

    I hope you and your daughter start feeling better soon.

    BTW, how is your dog doing?


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