A NEW YEAR

"It's a new dawn.

It's a new day.

It's a new life."

(lyrics by Nina Simone)

For many of us 2010 wasn't a real good year. Economic issues, health issues and forced many of us to live facing things we never thought we would face. All of those issues seem small and trivial compared to the story I'm going to tell you now.

I got an email from my friend George last night. He was telling me that he was in a severe crash and then wrote me that he was on a site and noticed a blog called "IN HUGE TROUBLE." He usually doesn't take the time to read those blogs but he read this one.

Im sorry guys and i feel guilty to dump this onto you but i dont even know why im doing this.. but if i die.. i want to be put down to a CFS/ME death.. this illness has screwed me up completely. The lack of testing in Australia for XMRV hasnt got me down at all but if their was some testing, I'd probalby be on drugs for the CFS/ME.

Ive taken a BIG drug overdose trying to kill myself as I dont have a life (cant even always do my own shopping.. risk of collapses as I do collapse but doctors dont worry and dont treat my POTS). Thou my CFS/ME is no where near as bad as it used to be.. I have so many issues in my life and sure my brain my be affected too (unless its reactivating CMV i have) that I want to die..

If anyone reads this.. you probably should ring an ambulance and send it to  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  South Australia .. Its probably too late to pump my stomache and Ive taken 100 pills and have more Im still taking as I just want peace.. peace for all not understanding people put me throu and peace from this illness..

Luv you guys.. 

Ps if i end up okay I'll mail (my name is XXXXXX.. so light a candle for me please if I die as Im sick of 14 yrs of severe illness and doctors not doing enough.. and not allowing me to try things which may help. or POTS treatments.   

There is a good ending to this story. He tracked down the number for the police station and got this woman help. She's now recovering in the hospital. Thank goodness that she reached out before it was too late and thank goodness that there was an angel called George.

We have an illness that has the ability to play with our mind. Living in chronic pain can bring depression and we have to fight against that every day. To me, there is a huge difference between going through the grieving process for the life we used to have and depression. 

We are grieving for the life we used to have and I think that's normal. Being told that you have an illness for which there is no cure is shattering. While it's not life threatening it is certainly life changing. Our bodies, the one thing we thought we could count on is betraying us. Is it any wonder that we don't know how to react?

We are more than our illness and we need to be our own advocate. We need to protect ourselves and we need to learn how to accept help from others. We cannot live in isolation because that isolation will play with us. It is the seduction that depression uses to lure us into that dark place and it's easy to go there. Probably one of the best posts I've ever read on the seduction of depression is by Maryn Christophel called "Whisper Me Softly."  I'll admit that I've read it over and over again. 

I never want to cross that line.

I've said this before. We must always stay vigilant and remember that the seduction of depression is a lie. It will tell us that this fight isn't worth it and it will whisper that to us every single day. 

This life is worth it.

Our fight is worth it.

If there is one person that has trouble believing that then we need to reach out and be there for them. This is really tough to handle without support. We have so many people that don't believe what we have is real. Or countries that handle CFS/ME and Fibromyalgia as a mental disorder and makes it difficult to get help.  We need to re-define ourselves and find a new standard for doing so. We can't define ourselves by what we used to do or be. 

I pray for each of us that 2011 brings relief. I pray it brings relief from the physical pain that we endure and for comfort from its sister, emotional pain. 

I pray that we find our dreams and reach for them while being mindful that we need to keep our feet firmly planted on solid ground.

I pray that we all are a little kinder to ourselves.