EMBRACING THE BEAST

It's been raining for the last couple of days.
That means the pain has been with me.
My constant friend.  
My unwanted companion.

I got up early this morning after tossing and turning most of the night. My daughter, son-in-law (almost) and I went to church so they could view the pastor that they wanted to officiate their  wedding  ceremony. The chairs weren't real comfortable and I still find it hard to sit for any length of time. I must have looked weird squirming in my chair for the hour and a half. To top it off I wasn't sitting at the end so I could get up and move around. The good part is that the choir singing Christmas carols was beautiful and inspiring. The bad part is by the time I was able to get up and move around I was in real pain.

In the midst of aching, debilitating pain it's tough to dig down deep and find that tiny spark of faith. The good thing was that I was in the perfect place to find it. I had my family and one of my best friends with me. I still struggle with the idea that this is a permanent way of life and I still don't like it. I have all kinds of feelings today but the one I didn't expect to find and did was peace. 

I understand that things will not always be what I want them to be. Just because I ask for something doesn't always mean that I'm going to get it. Maybe that's it. Maybe, just maybe there are times when I shouldn't get all I ask for. It's called unanswered prayers. Maybe, sometimes  the best answer is no.

I've struggled all week to find the strength to write. It's been difficult to move my hands and I understand how easy it would be to tape pencils to my fingers so that they wouldn't have to touch the keyboard. I have this stubborn streak in me so I'm just taking my time and slowly hitting the keys so that I can handle the pain that simple act causes. I forget what it's like to be completely free of pain. I don't think I'd ever take that for granted again. 

I used to love the rainy, foggy days. Just going out doors and seeing the white clouds draped over the mountains was awe inspiring. I could feel the mist on my face and I loved it. I'd walk in the cool, damp weather and it would feel wonderful. I'd grab my camera and drive close to the mountains to get some shots of the clouds. I loved those days. Now, the only thing that the humidity and rain cause is fear. I know how I'm going to feel and I have to get ramped up to get through those days. I guess that you don't know what you've lost until you've lost it.

I also used to love Christmas. I say used to and that isn't accurate. I still love it but I'm a little bitter that my career has been taken from me and with it my ability to earn a pretty good living. Part of the joy of the season is buying gifts. I had so much fun going from mall to mall picking out just the right present for the people I love. I have a hard time with the fact that I no longer have the energy to do that and I also don't have the funds. I know the reason for the season isn't the gifts but I really enjoy that. I enjoy burning the candle at both ends between the gift shopping and the holiday baking. Well, zippo on that too. I need to stop beating myself up with things I can't change. I really need to stop. I have battles to fight and I can't win them all so I need to put them on a priority basis. In other words, I need to pick my battles.

So as the holiday season approaches I'm going to stop asking for the pain to go away. I want my joy back.

What I'm going to ask for instead is to make me stronger than the pain.

(well, a trunk full of hundreds wouldn't be bad either...)