Tuesday, September 1, 2009


I just didn't know how bad.

At least when material possessions are taken you know that you've been robbed. You take the appropriate steps, call the police and then call your insurance company. You'll probably leave the light on at night because it's scary. You feel violated. You feel angry. You know you've been robbed.

The problem in this kind of relationship is that you don't know you've been robbed until you're totally emotionally depleted. Sometimes you don't even realize it then. They have stolen pieces of your emotional makeup and well being a little at a time. You don't even know how they did it let alone when.

Slowly you begin to wake up. A domino trips and the fog begins to clear. The only problem is that you continue to second guess yourself and keep looking back over your shoulder. You must be wrong. How can this be? A loving person is buried in there; you know it. You've seen glimpses of it. Maybe I wasn't mindful enough of his needs. I just need to think about myself less and work on the relationship more. You tell yourself this over and over and pray that you're right. Didn't he tell you that you were the only one that really knew him? Didn't he tell you that he knew you like the back of his hand? Part of it was true. I did know the part he let me see. I didn't like the part that came later.

You know deep inside you're not happy. I think it's the challenge or an inability to accept failure that keeps us going in this relationship. Why do you even begin to accept this kind of behavior? What makes you go back to them? I think that it's because it's not physical abuse. If you just hang in there long enough you'll get your Prince Charming. You pass by men that really love you and integrity is above reproach for this?

Was it me? Did the chronic fatigue make me uninteresting and too absorbed in my health? I had a devastating relapse and all I wanted to do was sleep. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. What's amazing is that I believed that. Why couldn't I hear my own thoughts and how ridiculous they sounded. I didn't want anyone around who could have pounded some sense into that thick skull of mine.

For the longest time I blamed myself. I no longer do that but recovery from a narcissist isn't easy. Nothing worthwhile is easy. You find out that you have a right to be whole.

Just put it back together one piece at a time. I needed to think about myself before I got involved in this mess. When was I whole and what was I like back then? I know one thing, I smiled with my heart.

I felt so responsible for so long and I don't feel responsible any more.


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