Tuesday, September 8, 2009


What is this trip down memory lane? I must have some unresolved issues in this arena. Gee,  ya think??

What are these people the base their relationships on deflections and half truths and downright lies? It takes so much to conduct your life this way. It's almost like you need notes. To put together a plausible story and then build more stories and more lies on top of the original story really takes a lot of effort. On one front, I guess I have to admire it. You really have to be pretty good to concoct this mess. On the other front, it's just plain wrong, insulting, hurtful and cruel. They really must want to feel better about themselves. It must be that the signature line, "I don't feel real good about myself," is true.

I used to always have two dogs. One dog was my primary dog and the other (usually a younger dog) was the emergency back up dog. See the correlation here??

He's an empty shell of a man that has a void that no amount of affairs can fill. There's so much damage and emotional debris from hurting the people that love them. Instead we are the problem. We are the reason that it started in the first place. There's a need for control. I remember one of the first lines was "you want to control the relationship and I won't let you." I thought it was going to be a battle of egos but he was deadly serious. I think I was the challenge and he wanted to see how fast he could make me hand over the control. Maybe that's why it lasted so long; he could never get control.

The bottom line is that there were red flags from the beginning. I'm not talking about a tiny flag, I'm talking banners. I used to get so mad at myself. Why in the hell did I put up with this? This is definitely NOT who I am. What happened to the woman who said, "you're standing in my sun?" Where did that attitude get buried?

You keep thinking that things may change, but your body knows things that your head and heart haven't quite accepted. You think all of this is a slow death but it isn't. Death happens in an instant. It's the burial that takes a very long time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it was never a relationship that started in the right way it was never good. You can fix what is broken but you can't fix what was never supposed to work in the first place.

No one on this earth will have your wish list of qualities. There is personality and then there is character. It's easy to confuse the two. You know that life isn't a fairy tale but it isn't too much to expect certain characteristics. I think I've got it kind of figured out. If there's one major flag, you can wait, be cautious and see what develops. If there are two or three red flags, take your little-miss-fix-it personality and run like hell because more flags will come to light. You will end up standing there wondering what went wrong. A red flag at the beach is a warning to stay out of the water. It's a warning to be very cautious because real danger is present. In relationships the red flags are deal breakers; the characteristics and character flaws that will make your life miserable. You will live through the relationship in emotional pain and agony. You wouldn't jump off a bridge would you? Take care of your heart with the same vigilance as you do your life.

With this kind of relationship it doesn't matter how nice you are or how fit your body or how beautiful your face; you are going to drown. Take it from me. I've been through the wipe out. I've been hit by the wave and thrown down to the ocean floor. I got beaten and bruised by the sand and the rock. Wave after wave hit me until I decided to get out of the water.

Next time I'll listen to the warnings.


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