Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It's amazing the things that we think are so important when we are younger. Gosh, my poor ex-husband. I was carrying baggage I didn't even know I owned and the poor guy got it all dumped on him. It was no wonder everything fell apart because I had no clue how to be happy, let alone how to be happy with someone else.

I thought getting married would be wonderful and it was; but, I wasn't satisfied with that. Everything I knew in my damaged psyche said that this wasn't going to be permanent.  I didn't even realize was that I was carrying around that little fact. So instead of waiting for the heartbreak I was positive I'd eventually feel, I shattered and sheltered myself and I blamed it all on him. 

It had been a long time since I'd had a mother and the wall went up against his mother right away. We didn't fight or dislike each other, it just wasn't affectionate or real close. She was strong, opinionated and a real pioneer. She was the brains behind the operation and she did exactly what she wanted. She was an avid traveler and well read. She truly was an amazing woman and I wasn't able to see past my insecurities to see that until much later.

She died yesterday morning. She was in her 90's and had lived a full life that included the joy's and heartaches that life brings. She buried her only daughter. Only later when I had my daughter did I realize what that must have meant in her life. She kept that inside but I'm certain that the indescribable pain of that event never left her. 

I know that she's in loving hands. I know that it will be hard for my ex-husband because no matter how old we are there are always times that we want our mothers. Even now, especially when I don't feel well, I wish my mother were here. It gives you a different outlook on your life when your parents are gone. For a long time you feel so alone but there is a peace and a knowledge that you'll see each other again.

For my daughter, she's lost the only grandmother she's ever known. I would hope that this event will bring her closer to her father because family is everything. They need each other more than they realize and they're both stubborn about reaching out for each other.

So God Speed to a remarkable woman who perservered and prevailed. She truly was a great lady.


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