Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I can feel it building again.

I don't know why I should be surprised it's been this way for quite some time. 

What's weird is that the humidity is only 23%. I should be feeling a little bit of relief and I'm not. Strange, isn't it? Is it the humidity that's causing this flare or is it the insomnia? I know the rain is coming but at 23% I shouldn't be hurting this way.

I know that in Mayo Clinic articles they say that insomnia can increase the intensity of a Fibromyalgia flare. Well, I haven't been sleeping well. I also have had more activity lately. Even though it was fun, even though I got to see my family and even though I was looking forward to it; I  know that I overdid it that day. Could that cause it?

I know the my limitations. I don't like them but I know them. I know when my body says "stop" I should listen to it. But I don't. I still have perfectionist tendencies. I wanted the food to be "perfect." I wanted the house to be "perfect." I wanted the table to look "perfect."

Therein lies my problem. 

It's my family for goodness sake. They've seen me at my best and my worst. We've gotten together at a moments notice and no one cared if we ate cold spaghetti but here, on this day, my tendencies got the better of me and I could feel myself going off the deep end. 

And now I'm paying for it.

As I said, I'm still not sleeping well and that doesn't help. My stress levels are off the charts due to all the career crap in my life. Since I have to re-invent myself that is enough to send me reeling; and reeling I am. Coupled with the fact that I've been so intent on introspection lately I've just mixed up the perfect Fibro cocktail.

Pain is still that four letter word that consumes your life. You just get used to one level and then it reaches up and smacks you in the face. This is just to let you know that you shouldn't be too comfortable with this level. The only constant is change. It loves to play hide and seek and even though you don't want to find it, it will find you. I'm really trying not to be negative. I want to see the silver lining but it's a little difficult right now. I need to find out what I want to be when I grow up and when I grow up I don't want to live in pain. I don't know why I continue to ask questions when I already know the answer. 

It's amazing how quickly I can revert to Type A. I tried to be low key. I tried to pretend that nothing gets to me but even on Saturday I found myself getting anxious at the dumbest things. Did it really matter how the dishes were put in the dishwasher? Did it matter that the dishes were washed first rather than my daughter just doing a light rinse and then stacking the dishes in the washer? In the grand scheme of things all that mattered is that we were together; happy and relatively healthy. 

What else is needed?

A trunk full of hundreds would be nice.


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