Monday, February 22, 2010


I'm still trying to glue the fragmented pieces of me back together.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I finally got to sleep at 12:30 and by 2:00 I was up and unable to go back to sleep. I'd shut my eyes but it wasn't happening. It was alpha wave intrusion at it's finest. Finally at 6:00 a.m. I finally closed my eyes and woke up at 9:30.  I hate not being able to sleep. It causes so much more pain during the day.

If it's not my body and hands hurting like holy hell then it's the brain fog making scrambled brains in my head. If it's not the brain fog then it's the pain and insomnia. What the heck is going on with this?

Is it this bad with everyone else?

All I keep hearing on the news is "there's more rain coming."  What is this?? The humidity wreaks havoc on my system and I can't seem to get it back on track. Ok....let me check and see what the level is right now..

Be right back.

Yep. It's 36% and that isn't a good thing. Humidity and Fibromyalgia, at least in my case, do not mix. It's unbearable because I hate taking pain medication. I spend a lot of time in the jetted tub just to get my muscles to move and the heat feels good. I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry.

There is physical pain and then there is the emotional pain. Fortunately, the emotional pain has been numbed out by the physical. Lately, I've been feeling regret. I've been feeling so much regret for some very stupid decisions that I made many years ago. Decisions that affect who I am today. Decisions that affect the circumstance that I'm in today. I hate the black hole. I hate having the life sucked out of me by my own dark side. If I'd only known about this or accepted it years ago my life would be very different. 

The problem is that I didn't recognize it years ago. I didn't know what darkness drove me, why or in what direction it was going. It just turned inward and imagined all sorts of slights and hurts so I could drive the people I loved the most away from me. Fortunately, most of them didn't go away for long but there were a few that did stay away and I regret that the most. Sometimes you don't think that that the loss will matter but years later, I can tell you that it does.

I've been feeling a different kind of loneliness lately. I want to enjoy this life but at times I feel so helpless and paralyzed. That paralysis keeps me from going out and getting what I want. The funny thing is this circular pattern. I want out but I can't get out and I don't know what I want when I get out so I go back in and hide and then I want out and the pattern begins anew.

Thank goodness Pawn Stars is on. It will take my mind off of the fact that my body is screaming and my hands are hurting like hell. It will take my mind off of myself and keep me from sinking deeper.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

Humidity Sucks.

1 comment:

  1. have you seen the documentary Food Matters? ( there are studies showing that a vegan diet, organic (as much as possible) and full of raw, colorful foods can heal fibromyalgia and other conditions. (including depression...and taking vitamin B3, as the documentary recommends, has helped indeed.)

    i hate taking meds too (antidepressants). i can't handle trying to quit them now though, not with the stuff going on in my life. but if you are stable and feel safe, you could try this different diet for a month or so and see if you feel a difference, if your pain decreases, if you feel less tired. i've read books about this too. naturopathy is very interesting and gives me hope. i've been putting off making an appt with a naturopath for different reasons, but i know people who have healed from certain conditions naturally, with better nutrition and homeopathy.

    best of luck to you, rose. i know what it's like to be physically impaired. *gentle virtual hug*


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