Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Everything has become a struggle.
Pain does that.
It still hurts so much

Lately everything seems to be an uphill battle. Everything seems to be a struggle. Everything seems to be a climb. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other and just move. I force myself to get on the stair climber and get even a few minutes just because it's supposed to be good for me. I guess every little bit helps but I haven't seen that yet. Is it because this is so recent? I have said it before but I truly believe the accident that I had in 2008 was the trigger that sent me over the edge.

I haven't been sleeping lately so the loss of sleep will equate to a day of increased pain. Even when I do sleep I don't sleep. It's the kind of sleep that doesn't restore or refresh your body. It's the alpha waves intruding into your sleep and you don't get a chance to fully slip into deep slumber. Lately the pain has been off the charts. I've gone from a moderate level of pain into the more severe levels. Even my dog H doesn't want to be on the bed with me. Usually he whimpers and looks at me with those big eyes until I lift him on the bed. After I do that he curls up next to me and starts to snore. Now, since I thrash around trying to find a position that is comfortable he can't stand to be up here with me anymore and retreats to his bed where his highness won't be disturbed. 

When I'm like this I don't like to be around anyone or talk to anyone. It all just seems like such a chore. I wrap the cloak of pain around me and retreat into a place where I can be alone with it. No one should have to be subjected to me when I feel like this. Even the writing, which I love and keeps me somewhat sane, has become a struggle because of the pain in my hands. 

I tried moving to the shower. Let me rephrase that. I crawled to the shower. Usually I find refuge in the car wash. The car wash is my pet name for my shower. I installed adjustable nozzles that hit the small of my back. I also have a large rain shower head and a handheld. Thus the name. I can spend a tankful of hot water in there and usually emerge energized and refreshed. The hot water usually feels so good and it helps loosen up the muscles.

Nope, not today.

I've heard that I need to try meditation. Breathe through the pain. So far it's not working. I really hate to say it but I've never done well with that. I have been able to manage pain my whole life starting by getting stitches in my head on a kitchen table when I was four. That isn't the answer. Spending 20 minutes meditating does nothing for the long term management of pain. Sorry. It doesn't help me sleep either. It gives me a very pleasant feeling of relaxation but other than that....zip...nada...zilch.

I know the weather also affects my system. I can feel the barometric pressure move and any change in the humidity can be measured by the increased or decreased pain that I have. The humidity has increased from sixteen percent to a little over twenty percent and I can feel it but it isn't enough to cause the levels I have right now. 

So is it just a random flare? 

Am I missing something?

I haven't done anything out of the ordinary and I haven't eaten anything weird.

If I have to climb this particular mountain all I can say is I can't wait to reach the peak and catch a glimpse of the view of the beautiful valley that awaits me below. Of course by the time I get to that point I'll be sliding down to the valley on my a**  because I'm so tired of standing upright.

1 comment:

  1. I feel you, kiddo, I feel you. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. Meditation is good for me while I am doing it. Somehow it does not follow me when I finish. I loved doing yoga - 30 years ago. Haven't done any since. I should try again, I guess.

    I don't know, it seems that when I get where you are the best thing I can do is retreat. Then at least I have no added pressure. I realize, as I know you do too, that a person can't stay there forever. But retreating isn't such a bad thing. Even the troops have to retreat and regroup. Stock up on provisions, gas up, put air in the tires (okay, lame analogy there, but the rest is good).

    Anyway, retreat, stock up on provisions -rest, maybe sleep- gas up and put air in the tires-do something you like, read a book you've been wanting to, watch all of the reruns of your favorite series bygone. Whatever. Just take your time and take care.

    Just a thought, but maybe the stress of the emergency surgery, the surgery itself, etc. might be catching up to you. I tend to stuff the crisis when its happening, then it comes back to bite me when I least expect it. Also, maybe the wedding. I don't remember when it is, but that doesn't really matter. My daughter got married two years ago and it still gets me. We will have to compare notes on that some day. So much, so much going on in my head about that.

    But take care, please. I have gotten used to having you around!

    CJ, in time, sometime


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