CAPABLE OF WHAT?

What are my capabilities?

I get to find out because I've got a test coming up that will measure just that. I was told where to go and then I asked about the test. They told me to wear loose clothing because I would be.....get this.......sitting for extended periods of time, the same for standing, stooping, bending, crawling and that the test would last approximately 3 to 4 hours depending how long I would need to rest. Well, if that's the case the test should last a couple of weeks! How many boxes of Kleenex's will I need because it sounds like I will be crying all the way through the test.

I know that it will take me through the physical demands of the workplace but what about the things that are impossible to be measured? Things like stress, variables like weather or symptoms that plague people with Fibromyalgia that appear and disappear at will with an intensity level that can go from zero to OH-MY-GOD in a matter of minutes. These things cannot be measured in testing that lasts a few hours. Also, what happens after the testing is complete is also not taken into account. I may have a good day and do relatively well on the test and then completely fall apart the next day. The testing doesn't monitor your abilities over a period of time. It's a single snapshot of a particular point in time and, to me, that is inadequate.

Plus, I took a look at the extended forecast. I understand that weather can change but right now the extended forecast calls for rain on the day I'm scheduled for the test. If anything can make me laugh, that did it. I should just be in fine shape if the humidity is off the charts and it's raining. Can you imagine me doing all of this with a pain level of 8 or above? It makes me shudder just to think about it.

I'm sure this will be the first of many tests that will decide my future. It is enough to have the pressure of an income level that has been cut by more than three quarters now I have to think about this. I do have a tendency to over-think things and I'm sure this subject will be no different. I have already started the process which includes analyzing, over-analyzing, beating it into the ground, killing and burying it and then finally resurrecting it and being analyzing it all over again. 

The problem is that I don't like limitations. Never have. I don't care whether it's been limitations on mental challenges, food or speed limits. It makes no difference to me. If you tell me I can't do it I would give my last dime to prove you wrong. Notice, however, physical limitations are not on that list. I used to believe that my body would never attack me. I could use it and push it and there was never a problem. That was before. After all of this??  I will push my body only so far. Pain is not gain as far as I'm concerned. To me, pain is a way of your body telling you that you need to STOP. I know my body well and I tend to listen to it. If I continue to push beyond a certain point my body has never failed me. It slams me against a wall and says, "I told you to stop now you have no choice but to LISTEN TO ME!"  I have no desire to learn that particular lesson over again.  It's a difficult thing to reconcile........hating limitations but knowing that you do have them at this point in your life. I still don't like them.

Great. Just one more thing to keep me up at night........