Friday, May 14, 2010


I've tried to find God's grace in the midst of a trial by fire, I really have. In the fleeting moments that I have reached that plane I was at peace but all too soon I, or it, fell away. 

The humidity is up a little bit. I can feel even a minute change in the levels. It causes all sorts of pain and I may just be having a bit of a flare. My stress levels have also been a tad high so it can be any number of things that is setting off this round of pain. Pain wants to break your spirit and it's come close but I won't let it.

But back to grace. 

What does it take to immerse yourself in peace? I've never been religious but I have been spiritual. I have felt God's presence in my life at the time that I needed him the most and I'd love to feel that way again but I haven't been able to get there. I realize that there is a purpose for me and for this syndrome that plagues me. 

My faith in the medical community is almost non-existent. My daughter got the okey-doke shuffle from an endocrinologist yesterday. She's had some of the same symptoms that I've lived with. She went to the doctor to go over the test results. Although some of the blood was abnormal he chose to dismiss her and her symptoms saying she was too young (29) for problems and she's getting older (believe that??) so her inability to lose weight could be due to aging. 

I got really irritated hearing that! This is her first go around with the dismissal of the medical community and it really disturbed her. She was angry, frustrated and near tears. As much as you don't want them to find anything you want answers. You want to know why you feel the way you feel. I can't blame her. Now it's a search for a doctor that understands fibromyalgia, thyroid and adrenal fatigue. Where to go in this search for wellness?

Anyone with a chronic illness needs to find sustenance to help guide you through the pain, frustration, despair and disappointment. When the symptoms increase it helps to lean on another's shoulder. It helps to find your life purpose when pain is all you can think about. During these times you are lead away from toxic people. Your body and psyche cannot function under the stress of people who's design is to destroy your soul.

My small prayer is to look up for my redemption. He knows my trials, pain, suffering as well as my joy. I chose to take comfort in the fact that he has allowed this to bring me into a closer relationship with Him. I just need to remember that.

He has never forsaken me. 


  1. Hi Rose,
    I hope this finds you in peace. I'm very sorry your daughter had to deal with the dismissal. It is horrible. Over the years and all the specialists, some good, some okay, and then others are absolutely worthless and horrible -- I've seen times where I was nearly suicidal walking out of a doctor's office. Living near a medical school, you get the best and apparently the worst too.
    Once I went to a memory specialist. My family doc had referred me only to get me into the department so she hadn't looked into the type of doc she had referred me to. Well, turned out he worked with severe brain injured patients but he found me interesting, like an animal at the zoo. He brought in five of his students as he was a teaching doctor. They all stood around, talking about me as if I wasn't even sitting in the chair in the same room with them. They each had their own high opinions (trying to impress their professor doctor) -- not one of them treated me like a human being. One of them said, "some people take the medications you take because they like the feeling." I told her the particular one she spoke of made me sick and never made me feel good. I sat there for a while, observing this scene. I was told I should choose one health issue to address and let the others go -- do one at a time. These docs didn't know squat about the illnesses I have.
    I finally felt enough anger that I told them what I thought of thier standing arouund me literally in a circle, ignoring me, especially the young resident from the psychiatric department. All he did was watch my body movements and literally thought he could diagnose me with something, I guess whatever he had been studying that week but I certainly didn't give him a chance.
    I got a five page letter the teaching doc wrote about our visit. He had my age and name wrong. He had lots of facts wrong. The most interesting part was that he wrote that the "patient had unusual sadness after the death of her dog and admitted that choosing her day had been one of the hardest things she had ever had to do."
    I'd asked him if he owned a dog and when he said no, well, I knew he and I probably wouldn't get on so well together.
    Finally I saw a fibromyalgia specialist, the day before he retired and moved to the mountains of NC. He is still practicing. I wish your daughter could find someone like him because one visit with him, which lasted about two and a half hours, really did change my life. Finally, someone explained fibromyalgia to me. Finally someone understood. Finally, a doctor treated me like a human being in pain with severe fatigue.
    After I saw those horrible doctors, I got inot the habit of introducing myself to doctors, asking them a little about themselves, which makes some uncomfortable but the good ones don't seem to mind. I also tell them that I am no easy patient and ask if they are up for the challenge of treating a patient like me.
    We really shouldn't have to defend ourselves in the medical community, but we do and we must.
    Best wishes and good luck to your daughter.
    dogkisses and hugs to you, my friend.
    ps I write today from a tiny but cool new blue computer.

  2. What a poignant, beautiful post - even in your frustrations, heartache, body-ache, soul-ache...

    "small prayer"...perhaps one God loves best. An invitation, a reaching for Him...

    If we can make these trials count for something, I think the growth of soul is the most prized of goals.



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