Monday, April 5, 2010


It rained. 
The wind was  blowing. 
Then it stopped. 

There is a lot of emotion and introspection when pain hits. I think I'm still dealing with perfection issues and that is the basis of the problems I'm having right now. This disease brings to light that we are not perfect and, as much as we don't like it, we might have to ask for help. 

Help comes in different forms. Asking for anything has never been easy for me. I've always been the one who's offered help but taking it is another thing altogether. I abhor being in a position of weakness and that is what asking for help does to me. I know I shouldn't be that way but something in me hates accepting anything from anyone. 

Does it make me feel obligated? 


I think it's more than that, though. I still say it makes me imperfect and weak. It makes me realize that I'm not as strong as I think I am and I can't take care of myself all the time. It's self-reliance and I may not be in total control of my destiny. I hate that.

I set this bar of perfection for myself. I don't care what it is. My biggest problem is that I've gained weight due to thyroid issues and inactivity. I can't accept it. I look at my face or my body and end up hating myself. If I'm not attaining the perfection that I set for myself then I've failed and I hate to fail at anything. I just want to give up trying to be perfect and just be who I am. 

If I do anything I do it all the way. I work hard, play hard and rest hard. I also got sick hard. I guess I've been perfect at that as well. I wake up everyday thinking that I'll set these realistic boundaries for myself and once again I find a way to count everyone of my imperfections. I find a way to include just one more task, one more email or one more activity that I know will hurt me tomorrow. 

I know all this and still I do it.

I do it and then I beat myself up for it. 

What does it take to reach a point of acceptance? Sometimes I think acceptance and resignation is the same as defeat. There we go again. Anything less than perfection is failure. I know I should let go and let God deal with it. All this faith that I claim to have has not remedied this in my life. I do have faith but I don't know how to let go and let God deal with these issues. In my head I know that I'm an imperfect being but the bar that I've set for myself is a different issue altogether.

How do I change that?

I really want to learn.

1 comment:

  1. CJ.......thanks for the comment. You are definitely not cracking up alone in this wretched mess of a disease. This Type A crapola that we all seem to have is interesting.Sometimes I think it is better to be someone that wouldn't know stress if it jumped up and bit them. helps.

    Thanks again. Feel free to email me at


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