NEVER SAY NEVER

The rain is coming and, of course, there's a lot of pain. I hate it when the humidity rises because it means that I have to deal with it and swallow pain pills, muscle relaxers and do anything that I can to distract myself. Usually I distract myself by thinking and that gets me in trouble. I do tend to over-think things and tonight should be a real doozy in that department.

Never say never.

I said the word "never" only a couple of times in my life. Once was when my mother met one of my dates. He came into the house and met her. Once he left I shut the door with a big "whew" and turned and looked at my mom. She said to me, "why don't you marry a man like that? He'd be very good to you." I looked at my mother and said with a snarky look on my face "Mom, Come on.....I'd never marry him."

What do you think happened?  Of course, I ended up marrying him.

The times when I've said never are the times when it has come back to bite me in the ass. I've said that I'd never talk to someone again and, of course, I did.

When will I learn never to say never?

This time, however, it might be a sign of healing. This relationship hurt me a great deal. It left me with the feeling that I was never quite good enough. I had a best friend and I found out it was a lie. It not only hurt me, it cut my heart out. It brought on a depression that was one of the deepest black holes that I've ever been in. It scared me that I could sink that low. I literally had to force myself back into life. Maybe I need to find resolution with all of this to really move on. It's been quite some time but, with this, maybe time hasn't healed all wounds. 

Today I had a phone call that felt like time had not passed at all . Conversation seems to come so easily and flows so effortlessly. Why is that? If only the rest of the relationship could have been like that. There was something there that was so special. It was there from the beginning and it was sad that had to end the way that it did.  It still is disturbing that we could pick up right where we left off, figuratively speaking.

I swore that I'd never speak to him again but it only took a hello to melt an icy heart.

It will be a long night thinking about this one.