I'M IN DISGUISE

"We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."

Francois de la Rochefaucauld

What a quote!

This quote was on another Fibro sufferers blog. It spoke to me so much that I knew I'd have to discuss it. Maybe it spoke to me because I've been Type A squared since birth. Maybe it spoke to me because I've been in sales with home builders for many years. Maybe it spoke to me because as a by-product of new home sales, I've been a chameleon for so long that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Maybe.......maybe.........maybe.

Maybe, just maybe, it spoke to me because of the pain.

It's so true that we disguise ourselves. Whether we have a chronic illness or not we usually never tell the truth when someone asks how we are. I mean, who really answers the question when someone asks how you are? It's really bad when you have chronic pain.

"How are you doing today?"

Not good.

I feel like crapola.

All I want to do is sleep.

This sucks.

My life is falling apart.

I'm in huge, big time, pain.

My hands hurt.

My head hurts.

My back hurts.

I'm not sleeping real well.

My whole body hurts.

Every bone in my body hurts.

I ache.

I'm tired.

This disease is destroying my life.

I feel horrible.

I can't seem to get out of bed.

I can't concentrate real well today.

What did you say?

After a while no one wants to hear it anymore.

Let me clue you in on a little fact.

After a while we don't want to say it anymore either.

So we say:

I'm okay.

Or we fake a smile.

I'm just a little tired.

Or we fake a smile.

It could be worse.

Or we fake a smile.

Today's not a real good day.

Or we fake a smile.

Or we burst into tears.

And we still try to fake a smile.

Or better yet....we just don't say anything.

We sugarcoat it.

Anyway, we disguise how we feel. We disguise the pain that we feel. We disguise the guilt that we feel. We disguise the depression. We disguise the lack of sleep. We disguise the embarrassment over feeling sick yet again. We disguise the forgetfulness. We disguise everything.

Is it any wonder that we don't know who we are anymore? Let me see, I want a ticket to La-La land and I want to take up permanent residency there. I'm also incognito. What else?? Is it really so hard to believe that someone can feel so unbelievably awful all the time? Maybe that is why this disease is so misunderstood. I think it might possibly help for people to understand how we feel if they can relate to the worst possible flu that they've ever had. The flu that made every bone in their bodies ache with an intensity that was staggering. The kind of flu that made it impossible for them to leave their bed for a few days. Now try having that same feeling not for a day, or a week or a month but have that feeling year after year after year. Do you think they'd understand Fibromyalgia then? How about those doctors that think this is all in our heads? Let's take that old baseball bat and beat the crap out of them and continue to beat them every day for a few years. Do you think they'd think we were crazy then? Do you think people would finally get it?

Can you tell I'm on my soapbox? Can you tell I'm just the slightest bit pissy in the attitude department? Well, this is what happens when I can't sleep and the pain index is off the charts. Just as an FYI, the humidity is still high and I still hurt.

I hurt a lot.

It's the voodoo kind of pain and it hasn't gone away. I know it will be another long night and I'm chugging pain medication like there is no tomorrow. The lovely storm front is still hanging around. The temperatures have gone from the mid 80's to the low 50's and it doesn't look like it will change for the next couple of days. 

I'd like to say my favorite word but  this is a G-rated blog.

I'm just sayin......................................