Friday, April 23, 2010


It's a tough day. Usually I like to write at night but the last couple of nights I've been in the fetal position swallowing pain pills and muscle relaxers praying that they would take the edge off the pain a little. I haven't had pain levels that got almost to 10 in quite some time. The pain is bad at 7 and 8 but the last couple of nights I understood how some people do not make it through continual levels of this kind of pain.

It's hard to accept this kind of pain will be in my life forever or until they find a cure. It's hard to accept that I will forever have limitations and that there will be people and doctors that don't believe me. It's hard to accept that people will leave my life because they can't take this illness and what it does to me. It's hard to accept that loved ones will not listen to you when you say you're in pain because they're sick of hearing it. It's hard to accept that those same people will turn around and say to you, "Well, I'm tired and I hurt too."

It's hard to accept that you are not meant to do what you were born to do. It's hard to accept that you can't work and that means that you have no value.  It's hard to accept  the fact that you can't make money and support yourself. It's hard to accept the notion that staying home is not  for the weak, the mindless and the useless.

It's hard to accept all of this. I don't mean to say that anyone who chooses to be a stay-at-home mom is mindless or useless. I was a stay-at-home mom and cherished every moment. There is something magical about childhood and I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my daughter. What I mean is that I have that Type A squared personality. I work hard, play hard and rest hard. When I got sick, I got sick very hard. When I got out into the work force (which I didn't want to do, just as a 411) I put everything I had into my chosen profession. I didn't have anyone at home anymore and could do what I loved until they wheeled me out of a sales office. I didn't have to quit and didn't want to quit. I loved it. Now that I can't do it anymore I feel mindless, useless, weak and isolated. I enjoyed the work and the money. 

I have a friend who said laughingly, "I don't fear death. I fear poverty." I know EXACTLY what he means by that statement.

I've read that in order to gain victory over pain we should welcome it. We should respond with wisdom to the pain. Pain is a messenger. Suffering happens when we refuse to welcome the pain.  Well being will come when we live in harmony with ourselves and the world around us.

What a load of crap.

I will NEVER welcome this kind of pain. I do not believe and will never believe that by welcoming this horrific pain will help me overcome it. People who write this crap probably have never been in pain or they're on major drugs.

Welcome this crap?

Are they kidding?

Well, there's another thing that is hard to accept.


  1. Oh my god, you are stronger than you know. I had a arthroscopic surgery and went without pain killers for a day. It was a 10. By dealing with chronic pain, you are stronger than I.

  2. Thanks Jesse for that comment. There are plenty of days that I don't feel strong and that vote of encouragement helped! Thx again!!

  3. I am so very sorry you are having such an awful, awful day -- or several, it sounds like. I don't know if it is something in the air or what. I have been so miserable for weeks.

    Someone actually told me it was the sunspots! The geomagnetic activity caused by the solar flares! Over this year and the next few the solar flares are suppose to be in high activity. So now we can curse the sun! Not only the humidity and the rain, but now the frickin SUN!

    Okay, I bet that made you smile or even chuckle -- my job is done. :)

    BIG hugs, but softly, and prayers for a better night and day(s).



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