Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I've been a chameleon for so long. Being in sales it just seems natural to me. You have to read people in an instant and be what they are so they identify with you. It works on the sales floor and has made me successful. It comes at such a cost. I've been a chameleon for so long, I'm not sure what's real and what's contrived.

I'm wondering what's going on in that jumbled mass of emotions. I've buried pain for so long that I'm not sure where it is and even if I knew, I'm not sure I'd want to go there. I've forgotten when it started but I'm sure as hell hoping I can stop it without re-living it. I've never been fond of emotional pain and will avoid it at all costs.

For the longest time I didn't cry. I learned how to do that when I had my daughter. The first time she had a medical crisis I held it together while she was in the room. When it was over and I knew she'd be fine, then I fell apart. I cried. I cried because I couldn't stand even the thought of losing her and I thought I'd come perilously close. It destroyed the wall I'd spent years of constructing. The tears opened the floodgates and I found I could cry with fear, with sadness and with joy. I still don't like to cry in front of nose and puffy eyes and the like.......but at least I know I can.

Somewhere in midst of that little cracks have appeared in the dam and I'm not sure I have enough fingers to plug up all the holes. So I'm back to being what I should be and moving away from anyone who might guess the pain that's in there. Well, that's not quite true. My best friend in the world knows. We know each others pain and accept it. That's true friendship. We don't have to see.

We know and we feel and that is sometimes just enough.


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