Friday, June 19, 2009


Bed made with white bed linen. Four fluffy pil...Image via Wikipedia

I never thought I'd like sleeping next to anyone again. It's been a very long time. It's much easier having my own pillows and being able to move whenever and however I want. I have my own corner of the bed and I enjoy it that way.

I found that it feels nice having someone there. It's been a long time. I can't remember what it was like having someone to depend on. It's scary and its alluring all at the same time. I used to love stretching out and feeling feet. It's amazing that the person sleeping next to me isn't used to it any more than I am.

Sometimes the thing we want the most sends us down the rockiest roads imaginable. It's been nineteen years. Nineteen years of wonder, tears, anger, joy and acceptance. How I got started on one road is beyond me but I knew it the minute it found it and that meant that I was going to take this path and never look back. Even though the voice inside said, "don't do it."  I found that you should always listen to that voice inside you. Always.

I really never wanted to be so immersed in love. That kind of love always fails you and makes you cry. It makes you do a lot of things that you'd never do but above all else it spoils you. It spoils you for the normalcy of anything else and makes normal look so unappetizing. It puts blinders on you so that you can't see anything else and makes you believe that anything else will never be good enough. Can you believe that?

You long for something stable yet stability is just out of reach. You long for normal but normalcy is just out of reach. You reach for joy but joyfulness is just out of reach. What is it that keeps everything you long for just out of reach.

Why would I ever think this was meant to be?


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