THE MONSTERS IN THE SHADOWS

Fibromyalgia has many monsters. The one I hate the most is the fog monster. It has the audacity to steal my intelligence and my memory.

It's scary when you look up and have to open up the databanks and desperately search for the thought you were trying to process. It's scary when you look at a page of words and wonder if you can comprehend complex sentences ever again. It's scary when you walk into a room and can't remember why you went in there in the first place. 

It's very scary when you arrive at your destination and wonder how you got there. You wonder if the insomnia is shrinking your brain cells. Restorative sleep is hard to get with Fibromyalgia but it's that refreshing rest that helps manage the Fibro fog. I find that it helps to break up tasks or reading into small blocks. That way when the fog envelops your brain you don't give in to the stress of losing it. 


I don't actually have difficulty with my memory; I just have problems with the retrieval. It seems like there are problems in the temporal lobe area of the brain. If the persistent insomnia and subsequent sleep deprivation is the cause of the fog then what to do? If the body can't get enough sleep during the delta cycle the fog monster is likely to appear. Not getting enough deep sleep will impair your ability to recall information at an optimum level. Neuron connections are remodeled during the sleep cycle and if the cycle is not completed or broken and sleep deprivation occurs, memory problems will occur. It seems to be concentrated in the area of consolidating memories.


I find that if I write things down it helps. Also, I remember things better first thing in the morning which is weird because I am NOT a morning person.  I'm constantly doing things to help my memory. I play puzzle games where I have to remember faces or objects. I play match games and that seems to help as well. I worry about the fog. It's unsettling, scary and disturbing. I write not only to remember but to validate the emotions and feeling that accompany Fibromyalgia.


The emotions are complex. There's a great amount of fear and anger. The fear is that I've been given a life sentence and I'm stuck in this jail cell forever. There is anger; a great amount of it, that my body has betrayed me. There is anger that a car accident can trigger all sorts of central nervous system problems. There is also anger that I'm a victim of my own circumstance. My perfectionist tendencies don't help me and I continue in these tendencies so I've only got myself to blame. There is fear every single time I read a book and put it down moments later in frustration. There is sadness and grief of the life that I used to have. Every time the pain flares up there is a certain amount of resignation and depression that this is what my life will be forever more.


The monster sneaks out from the shadows and captures me. 

I need to buy stock in sticky notes.