Thursday, March 4, 2010


Finding a balance.

I haven't got much to report today. I moved and stretched to no avail. I know that my innate inertia doesn't help but light exercise is still intolerable to me. After moving around and even going on a job interview I came home and wanted to cry. I still hurt. How in heavens name am I going to work on a daily basis if a simple interview makes me want to crawl under the covers?

I know that management is so important. I'm still unclear, however, how to put a smile on my face when the pain is spiraling out of control. The dull ache that is now a part of my daily life has my patience level on a very short rope. It's not that my anger at this illness manifests itself on the outside. It's just that I find it hard to find my joy when I hurt.

I know it could be so much worse. I've said it before and I'll say it again. My pain is nothing compared to the pain of cancer or the pain of the loss of a loved one. It can be a lot worse. I do appreciate my life and even though circumstances are very difficult right now, I still hang on to "it could be a lot worse."

I just need to find a balance. I need to get this flare under some sort of control so I can deal with life in general. It truly is a management thing. I know I will get this past my head and into my heart. I'm not sure when that will happen but I know I will realize this. I think the humidity has been around for so long that I haven't had a chance to feel good for an extended period of time. The length of time in constant pain has taken it's toll.  I do know that I need to learn how to find joy in the midst of all of this. Fibromyalgia is a life sentence but it's not a death sentence.

Have I lost my marbles?

It's learning to live with a limited amount of marbles in the jar. If I have a jar filled with 100 marbles and every chore, every act and every stressful emotion takes marbles out of the jar then I will be more conscious of what I do and how I feel. I won't have any marbles left if I waste them all on things that cause me to be under stress or upset. If I want my emotional needs met then I need to be aware of my reserves. There are the things that I must do but managing my life's physical and emotional needs takes discipline. I need to make my list and stick to it.

Maybe it's denial. Maybe I really need to take it to heart that this is a chronic illness and it won't go away. I can't make it stop. I've tried to hang on to my life before all of this hit me. I haven't wanted to admit that. Like I said before, it's easy to get this through my head but I need to get this into my heart. A big part of me doesn't want to face that. 

Maybe I have lost my marbles.


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