Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I think the secret is to know who you are underneath the mask. 

Pain tends to cloud that knowledge. I know that before I got in the accident that was never an issue. Strong, confident, strong-willed and a woman who never knuckled under to ANYONE or ANYTHING. Sometimes my choices were not the best; I'll admit that. There are things that I wish I'd never done or said; I'll admit that too. Whatever my decisions were they were done and I learned and moved forward. I had a love of love and of life and an assurance that the path that I was on was right for me.

There were not many masks. I'll say many because I didn't let too many people in. I did have self protective walls up and only a select few got to see beyond those walls. Most of the time, however, it was "what you see is what you get." No fear of stating my opinion and an assurance that more often than not, I was right. There was the personal woman and then there was the professional woman. The personal woman had issues; the professional woman was secure in her work ethic, knowledge and drive.

Then came the "event". As events go it wasn't a live or die situation but what it did was change my life. Along with the accident came a different sort of pain that really did a number on me. I had no idea that this would be the event that tripped the domino and left everything spinning out of control. On top of it all I get questioned about my ability to function in my profession. I hate that. I really dislike people who seem to imply that I'm faking it. Well, maybe not totally faking it but, come on, it's not that bad.  I don't like feeling this way and today I'm particularly pissed off about it. I loved what I used to do and today I'm missing it. I'm getting stir crazy but I know that I can't do what is required in a sales office and I'm very angry at this illness. 

The other thing that this did (and I know I've written this a lot) is mess with my head. There are days that I don't know who I am and I look hard to find the woman that I described above. Sometimes I find her and sometimes I don't. I keep looking because I don't want her to disappear and pain can do that to you. 

I'm a natural cynic who has unyielding faith. Weird, isn't it?  I have an absolute faith in the tenet that God has never left me or forsaken me, no matter what my personal circumstance. Whatever I'm going through right now will take me to a different level; not only in my life but my faith. I've never faulted God for my personal circumstance.

On the other hand when I hear that suffering builds character all I want to say is that I've got enough character. 

So here I am. I'm in kind of a pissy mood because of everything and however weird it sounds I've got the faith that it will all work out in the end. 

Does that sound strange?


  1. I could have written every word!!!! I cried as I read them because I so understand and feel everything you wrote!!!!
    Have a blessed day....:)

  2. Pain can make us feel vulnerable and unlike the many "masks" or roles we identify with. I often wonder if I hide behind the mask of "everything is alright" when in fact, I'm in a lot of pain and just holding back and not showing it. That way I'm still the old me. And like you sometimes I wonder if any of the old me is left.

    Thanks for the wonderful post. I'm a big fan of your blog.

  3. Thank you so much! I'm glad people can relate to what I say. That must mean I'm not totally crazy. This pain thing is something isn't it? I know I hide behind the "it's alright." I still grieve for my former life...Again, thanks for reading! It means a great deal to me!


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