Saturday, June 5, 2010
There is a cloud over me.
It feels like impending doom.
What is the reason for that?
I know that I may be feeling better today but it's only temporary.
I am bound by pain.
I tend to second guess myself now. I never used to be that way. It's as if I am on hyper-alert status watching and waiting for the boom to drop. I'll have a day where I don't feel so bad and then, without warning, I will start feeling my old friend. It just wants to drop by and say, "I'm still here so never forget that."
As if I could ever forget that.
If it isn't the humidity it's the seven-inches-from-the-midday-sun kind of heat. I've always hated it and this year is no different. I'm watching the news and there are excessive heat warnings being issued. We will be experiencing near record highs. It's funny that I stayed in Las Vegas but it's my home and my family is here. Other than that, I hate the summer months. My power bills will be through the roof because I can't sleep when it's hot in my bedroom. So from now until October I will have one other thing on my whine-bitch-moan-and-complain list and that is how fricking hot it is outdoors.
A few years ago I would be walking people through framed homes or on-site to view available home sites. Yes, I hated it but I was still able to do that. That's all changed. I went outside today and felt like I was almost going to pass out. There are just so many things that affect my body differently since the Fibromyalgia. It's as if my skin is sensitive to my surroundings. Does that make any sense? Everything feels magnified and I don't understand it.
I know that Fibromyalgia isn't as bad as other illnesses but I haven't found the golden ticket that brings me back into some semblance of a life. How do you clear the fog enough to read legal documents and comprehend what you've read? How do you get rid of the fatigue and the pain enough to want to get back into life? I find myself getting angry at the Lyrica commercial. I know it's stupid but I wish it were as simple as taking a pill and I could do all sorts of things with my hands and my head. It looks to me as if the magic pill will bring me back to the point where I was when I left. It doesn't say anything about the inevitable weight gain and what that will do to your body both physically and mentally. The other thing is that if you can't live in the present how in the heck do you plan your future?
So what to do? I am bound, not by a physical chain, but by the ugly barbed wire of pain. Even as I write this I have to stop because my hands feel heavy and weighed down. I have to move my legs because I can't stay in one position for too long. I even have to read a simple post a few times to make sure it makes sense to me. I don't feel comfortable in my own body anymore.
The only thing I can do right now is bring things around that make me happy. Aromatherapy for sleep. Music that soothes the soul. Flowers that make me smile. A lump of carbon compressed over time reveals a beautiful diamond. So that tells me that even though I am being compressed and stressed over time I will believe that I will become that diamond.
Either that or a complete basket case.