KICKING THE HORNET'S NEST

I feel like the girl who kicked the bee's nest.
Why are the bee's flying around me now?
Gee, I don't want to get stung....
I shouldn't have kicked the damn nest in the first place.

I read a friend's post and she was talking about how she blew it big time and it started me thinking. Well, how it started out she was rationalizing how a reasonable woman would never take candy from their child's Easter basket. First of all, I've done that a million times and I still feel no shame. It was the part about acting out and having all these issues and regrets that started me thinking.

And that's a very bad thing.

I start getting introspective and it does a couple of things. First of all it gives me headaches because there are so many issues that I have to deal with and I'm still not crazy about digging up all that pain. The second thing it does is make me reach for either chocolate or donuts and that can be either singular or plural. It's not a good thing for my backside because I still have that 25 pounds that I have to lose and just thinking about that hammers my self esteem.

The self esteem issue is probably a huge one because I struggle with it on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and see a woman in pain. No matter how you cut it pain still shows up on your face and you can always see it in your eyes. You can smile but pain will never fool your eyes. I have become someone that I don't know. Or have I? Is this the woman that was there all the time and I just kept her hidden away? Is all of this finally showing and I'm just now seeing it? 

I hope not.

I keep coming back to this issue of perfection and I still don't have it quite right. See the irony here? I just don't know why sometimes I feel that I'm just not good enough. Some people stuff their issues and some people medicate or drink away their issues. I sought to love mine away. If I was just good enough they would all go away. Of course, I wasn't good enough so the quest began again. I set myself up for failure. There would always be flaws because we are all imperfect beings. The opposite side of that coin, for me, was that I expected them to leave so I was always ready for that possibility. 

I'm just now beginning to see what that issue cost me. 

I had an ex that loved to manipulate situations. It wasn't for any love of me or what was best for me. It was all a game and what was best for him in that moment. Unfortunately, I didn't see it at the time and it set into motion a number of events that I will forever regret. We don't get through this life without making mistakes and I have made a couple of beauties. I cannot go back but I am going forward. What I want the past to do is help me NEVER to make the same mistake again. The other thing I hope that it does is give me wise counsel so that if someone I care for is about to make the same mistake I can help them before they go down that same path.

There are times that I wish I had a time machine and could go back in time. I would do things so differently. I would react oh-so differently and I would stand at those forks in the road and take a completely different path. I would speak in tenderness instead of anger and I would stand instead of retreating. I would laugh instead of cry and I would have chosen right instead of wrong. I would have understood what the saying, "by the choices we make we create the life we have," meant and chosen wisely.

What I have learned is to choose the higher ground. I think before I speak and I try never to say anything that I don't mean because once it comes out of your mouth you can never take it back. I think I have more compassion and tolerance for myself than I ever did before. While I still have plenty of things to deal with, I don't hate myself as much as I used to. I have learned how to say no and not feel guilty and I have come to the realization that everyone doesn't have to like me. Maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to believe that I just may be enough. Well, that's a big maybe.

Does this mean I'm becoming a grown-up?