Saturday, July 31, 2010


I always believed that I could do anything.
I always believed that I could be anything.
I just never believed my life would be
what it is now.

Where is the little girI, the teen and the woman who would use her imagination and dreams? I  remember little things. I think it started years and years ago when I'd walk in the room and my father would sing, "here she is, Miss America!"  I always believed in myself and my abilities. If I wanted something bad enough, I'd get it and I was not afraid of the work involved. I was self confident and unafraid. 

I don't know what happened to her. 
Little by little imagination and dreams drift away. 

I look at pictures of myself over the last 10 years. There was a lot of smiles and happiness. Then all of a sudden, the pictures start changing a couple of years ago. The progression of pain is evident and if I can see it in photographs what do people see face to face? 

It's very difficult to find your dreams in the midst of physical pain. When your central nervous system is on hyper-drive it's hard to think of anything else. I've often wondered how to make the best of this Fibro situation. I've tried to think of some way to occupy my time as well as my mind. 

It's hard to go from Type A squared to a Type B. I've always admired people that wouldn't know stress if it jumped up and bit them. They could go with the flow and nothing seemed to get to them. I thought it would be kind of cool to adjust my thinking and lifestyle and incorporate that philosophy into my daily life. I know it would be better for me in the long run. On the other hand,  these were the people that drove, walked and talked too slow. Just thinking about it makes me want to gnash my teeth. They took out their checkbook and started writing it after everything had been rung up at the store. I mean, don't you know that you'll have to pay for it? Why start at the last minute? Everything is at a much slower pace. 

And that isn't me.
See what I mean?
Did I really say I thought it would be cool?

If I can't go back to high pressure situations, what can I do so I don't feel like a lump of doo-doo? In my mind it was either all or nothing and I chose all.  My motto was work hard, play hard and rest hard. If anything was worth doing it was worth doing 150%.  I hate sitting around and I'm running out of things to do. Not going 200 miles per hour on a daily basis makes me feel useless.

The days turn into weeks, turn into months then turn into years. I need to find something that brings my brain back. I need to imagine and dream again. I get sick of hearing myself say this over and over again but when I try to start the process the harsh realities come flooding in and dreams go out the window. 

I want my life back. I know it will be different than before and I'm starting to get that and adjust. I don't like it but I'm starting to get it. I just get so tired of looking at my four walls. I need to get out and start using my camera. I just need to get out of my house. How do you do this when your body hurts? I'm willing to move through pain; but, as I write this, I think it's the joy that I miss most of all. Anyone can move around through pain but where is the absolute joy of each day? I can't seem to get past the pain and into the joy. I can't seem to reach a point of acceptance so I can move on. 

Can someone give me any ideas?

I'm open to suggestions.


  1. Okay Rose, you have all of the questions now we just need to find out who has all of the answers. But it is not even that easy -- the test is different for everyone!

    I sure wish I had some answers. I think so much of the time we are in the business of surviving and have no time or energy to find joy. But, joy can be had on those (sometimes too rare this time of year)occasions when we are not in a flare.

    Its pretty hard to find joy when your feet are on fire,when your arms and legs are like 100 lb weights, when your neck and your head throb with searing, piercing pain.

    Yeah, sometimes it is just too much to hope for, but we have to keep hoping, keep dreaming, keep imagining that joy. And then we will find it in the most unexpected ways, in small, little gifts...a phone call from a friend, a beautiful sunset, a glimpse of precious newborn baby.

    Our joy may need to be redefined. We may have to truly work on finding any on some days. But, I think if we can accept more and more of the small, unexpected joys we can find more and more joy.

    Wishing you joyful moments today, and much, much less pain.


  2. Rose that was an excellent post and a great answer from CJ. I say all the time 'I want my old life back'. I want to sleep like I used to, without pain. I want to get up in the morning without having to take pain pills. I want to be able to spontaneously plan a day trip. I want out of this house, too.
    I have started some simple sewing again..I am hoping that will help with the boredom. and its so hard now that we are in the dog days of August and like you, we live in desert and gee I don't handle the heat well AT ALL anymore. Its brutal on me. Is that a symptom of this too??
    We just need to hang in there and find that new life that will give us somthing to look forward to:)



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