IT'S JUST MY IMAGINATION

I always believed that I could do anything.

I always believed that I could be anything.

I just never believed my life would be

what it is now.

Where is the little girI, the teen and the woman who would use her imagination and dreams? I  remember little things. I think it started years and years ago when I'd walk in the room and my father would sing, "here she is, Miss America!"  I always believed in myself and my abilities. If I wanted something bad enough, I'd get it and I was not afraid of the work involved. I was self confident and unafraid. 

I don't know what happened to her. 

Little by little imagination and dreams drift away. 

I look at pictures of myself over the last 10 years. There was a lot of smiles and happiness. Then all of a sudden, the pictures start changing a couple of years ago. The progression of pain is evident and if I can see it in photographs what do people see face to face? 

It's very difficult to find your dreams in the midst of physical pain. When your central nervous system is on hyper-drive it's hard to think of anything else. I've often wondered how to make the best of this Fibro situation. I've tried to think of some way to occupy my time as well as my mind. 


It's hard to go from Type A squared to a Type B. I've always admired people that wouldn't know stress if it jumped up and bit them. They could go with the flow and nothing seemed to get to them. I thought it would be kind of cool to adjust my thinking and lifestyle and incorporate that philosophy into my daily life. I know it would be better for me in the long run. On the other hand,  these were the people that drove, walked and talked too slow. Just thinking about it makes me want to gnash my teeth. They took out their checkbook and started writing it after everything had been rung up at the store. I mean, don't you know that you'll have to pay for it? Why start at the last minute? Everything is at a much slower pace. 


And that isn't me.
See what I mean?
Did I really say I thought it would be cool?
Ha!


If I can't go back to high pressure situations, what can I do so I don't feel like a lump of doo-doo? In my mind it was either all or nothing and I chose all.  My motto was work hard, play hard and rest hard. If anything was worth doing it was worth doing 150%.  I hate sitting around and I'm running out of things to do. Not going 200 miles per hour on a daily basis makes me feel useless.

The days turn into weeks, turn into months then turn into years. I need to find something that brings my brain back. I need to imagine and dream again. I get sick of hearing myself say this over and over again but when I try to start the process the harsh realities come flooding in and dreams go out the window. 

I want my life back. I know it will be different than before and I'm starting to get that and adjust. I don't like it but I'm starting to get it. I just get so tired of looking at my four walls. I need to get out and start using my camera. I just need to get out of my house. How do you do this when your body hurts? I'm willing to move through pain; but, as I write this, I think it's the joy that I miss most of all. Anyone can move around through pain but where is the absolute joy of each day? I can't seem to get past the pain and into the joy. I can't seem to reach a point of acceptance so I can move on. 

Can someone give me any ideas?

I'm open to suggestions.